I'm one of those girls who can't naturally be herself around other people; who gets scared incase someone judges her by her looks, the way she dresses in her hoodies to hide the secrets inside and the way she acts to try and fit in, never succeeding. Wishing she could do things with the other popular girls and be part of a group; who doesn't have to hide behind a door and wait for it to open. Waiting for an opportunity to float by and grab it before she looses it and never gets it back.
All my life I've been teased for who I am or who I'm not. My hair being curly, the spots on my face; being told there not part of the black dress code, and my clothes not being the same as the others. The simplest thing would pull me down but I've learnt to let them fly over my curly blonde head. It gets worse when even who you think are your closest friends, turn on you when you haven't even done anything wrong but you blame yourself anyway. This is why I don't trust people the same anymore.
Going into school everyday is hard when you think everyone just stares at you, whispering things to their friend as you walk by. Judging every move you make. I lost friends because of this. Maybe because I was paranoid. Or maybe I found out what they really thought of me.
I'm not saying it's their fault. Yes, sure I can be unpredictable at times but there's no need for the comments behind my back, especially for things I haven't done. I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I don't have the same hobbies as the people in my school year, my friends.
Then your alone. Your best friend turns on you too and finds someone else but that someone else is your problem. I was left, like an old toy that is chucked away because a new one has come along. Left with me and my head to think for myself and not have your other half helping you along the way.
Being a only child, it means you don't have anyone to tell this too. I couldn't even tell my best friend when I had her. I knew she wouldn't take me seriously. Your not used to the insults and the unfairness. Yeah sure I could tell my parents, but it's years since they were the age I am. It's not the same.
The beautiful girls are always the ones with the attention from everyone else. Their hair sitting perfectly on their shoulders, their make up with so many layers yet it looks natural with the self tan they put on the night before. Even though it's all so fake, it's all so perfect.
I guess its jealousy. I could never pull it off. I can't even be me so how could I try to be like them? Be the girl everyone wants to be and be talked about, not as just another girl, but as someone they want to be.
This is what I wanted. For ages and ages I wanted to be like the other girls in my year, in my school, in other schools. It was like I was in a trance. I even started buying the same clothes as them and wearing make up to make myself feel like I was one of them.
Then I realised I couldn't. I'm not them. I'm not the perfect girl with the perfect looks and style. The girl everyone wants to hang around with. No, I am me. I'm the quiet girl who doesn't say a word in class but knows all the answers. The girl who is too scared to say a word to anyone incase she says something stupid. I'm the girl everyone stares at when I walk through the school gates every morning for no reason. The girl who does her work perfectly in class and is expected for all her work to be done the same. Nerd. That's what I've been called. Nerd.
But none of these words matter to me anymore, inside my head. I'm me. Realising this took time. You watch it in movies and you think it's easy, just to change from hiding in the dark corner to being yourself. The girl I am. The girl no one takes notice of, is now stronger than ever but still very weak. Nobody's words matter to me anymore. I am who I am. And that's who I want to be.
