I had always wondered what my life would have been like had I been born different. Would I be happy? Would I make people happy? Would I successful? They were all questions I asked myself daily and like most questions about the unknown, they went without an answer. I had only my imagination to think up the many ways my life would have been.
If I were born in a different life, I would be a part of a large family; mother, father, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and grandparents. I would want them all to be accessible to me. I would only have to make my way across the family yard to greet my grandparents at their home and we would mingle happily. On public holidays, the yard would spring to life with the joyful laughter and shouts of such a familiar crowd.
If I were born in a different life, I would smile a lot. I would want to be strong enough to grin broadly through any pain this wretched world tossed my way. I would conquer the giant of giants when it came to misfortune like David did with the once great Goliath. I would have an infectious smile, one that would bring joy to those who witnessed it. I would want a smile that would let my eyes twinkle with pure happiness so others could tell it came from my heart.
If I were born in a different life, I would be outgoing. I would do my best to mingle with those around me so they felt like they were a part of something special. I would go all out with simple group sports and other events just to show my enthusiasm. My charisma would be so thick; many would drift to my side and linger because of my beckoning positive energy.
If I were born in a different life, I would be strong. Not necessarily the physical strength but emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I would be a good balance of happy and calm. I would know when the time is right to spread my wings and soar out of depression in order to continue with my life. I would have close ties with my maker. I would pray daily without forgetting or doing so after my decided time. I would attend church every Sunday to hear the words my heavenly father so graciously left behind for me to abide by. I would train myself to work and study hard. My hard work would be reflected on my grades and I would only beam with pride and joy that my toiling behind books was being paid for.
If I were born in a different life….only if. I was not born in a different life; I was born in this one. A life where I feel like being different is a horrendous crime and my heart aches daily because I feel ugly. I feel unwanted and strange. Who am I? Why was I born? Why does my future seem so bleak? Am I really no good? Why can I only cause pain? Why is it so hard for me to smile with my eyes? Why can’t I have a large happy family? I want to be strong, why can’t I have that? Why am I not talented? Am I asking for too much?
If I cannot be born in another life, I will make best of the one I have. I will have to smile for myself, I have to love myself, and I have to be myself. I hope one day I can find myself and happiness along with it. One day, I will not have to cower in a corner and cry like a child because I will be comfortable with who I am. I will be remade in love and I will learn to love.
