"I think I am a great actor. I can easily make people believe I am happy. All it takes is one smile and a bunch of jokes."
"That doesn't mean you are a great actor... it means people don't pay enough attention to see your fake smile."
In which Jimin...
Why do I even bother. It's not like anyone even reads my stupid Instagram page. It's not like they would actually care if they did. But... For some reason it seems to be my only shred of hope. That maybe someone will find this page and finally save me from this put of hell I seem to be trapped in.
1, 2, 15, 20 cuts... They line my wrist. Bullies all in my life. Their words seem to leave more scars in my heart than that if this blade.
I drag myself to the bathboom. I need to clean this and wrap them. I can't die yet, unfortunately. I feel as, even though I want to die, if I was to take my life someone would be hurt. And I can't do that. I will let anyone trample over me but... I don't want to hurt anyone.
Maybe I should post something on Instagram. I scroll through my phone and pick one of the many quotes from my gallery
Broken_Chiminie
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Broken_Chimine: I relate to this quote so much ----------------------------------------------------------- 23 likes 1 comment
2 minutes ago
Hmm that's weird... No one has ever commented on anything j have posted before. Usually people just like it and keep scrolling.
Sunshine: Sometimes it is better to cry than to feel no emotion at all. Hop you feel better babe 🌞
Its strange but I can't help but feel the heat rising to my cheeks. Babe... What? Why did he call me that? Who even is he? Why does he care when he doesn't even know me?
All these questions flooded my mind as I hit the heart on his comment. He probably doesn't actually care... He just feels bad. He is probably the kind of person who just wants everyone to be happy. But... I can't do that. I haven't been truly happy in 4 years. Fake happiness and little moments when I would crack a small grin at a stupid joke but never really happy.
Happiness, trust, hope; all things I lost. Depression, anxiety, insecurity, scars; all things I gained. I am a complete mess.
Useless, broken, unloved, hurt, stupid, fat, ugly, freak, sin; there are so many words to describe me. My friends... Would they care. If I suddenly died would they even bother to care. Or would they be happy that I am gone.
I don't belong here. In this room, this town, this place, this world. I don't deserve to live. I wish I could be fixed. But I am just way too broken. Too hurt to even begin to pick up the fallen pieces. I am like glass that got hit but a boulder. It is better to just throw away the broken pieces and buy some new glass than too try to fix what has been done.
No one would care. My mother would but it's too late. She can't care for me anymore. She is gone forever now. My father... Ha. He wouldn't care if I died. He would pretend to but in realty he wouldn't.
He left us... I was only about 8 years old. He would leave and come back for one day. Then he would leave again. My parents divorced. I came out as gay. My father constantly judged me. I am sinning. I am messed up. Whatever. Maybe I am.
My mom.. She cared. She loved me. But I couldn't save her. By the time I got home from the store she was deadbon the floor. She was tired of being judged for loving me. She loved me but she couldn't take it. It was my fault... That's the reason. I moved. I went from Busan to Seoul. All by myself. My mom left me some money and I bought my own apartment, got a job, and made some friends. I was 16 when I first moved. That was four years ago. Now I am 20 years old... And I just want to see my mom again.
Would this sunshine guy cared if I died... Who am I kidding. He probably won't even comment again. I need to stop getting my hopes up. The higher they go the more it hurts when I am wrong.
Sorry sunshine... You can't help me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello this is the first chapter of this book. I hope you enjoyed. Before anyone worries about me (or not) I do not cut. I have thought about and I used to do it a year ago. Honestly I probably still would but I don't want to go to therapy again. I hope you like this book 💚
