~•i do not own stranger things or any of its plot elements. if i did, nancy and steve would end up together•~
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to whoever the hell continues to read,
hi. i'm steve. steve harrington. that's right. you heard me. king steve, who loves kfc. i'm here to help you with how to raise a chi-
i mean...
i'm here to show you my evolution. just as dart turned into a demogorgon, i'm going to change from a popular dick to a stressed out single soccer mom within the span of 6 whole days.
but first...
1. yes. this does contain spoilers for season two of stranger things. and if you don't know that, then what the hell are you doing reading this you dumbass.
2. no. i am not looking for a girlfriend. i'm taken. by who? continue reading.
3. by my children. my children recieve my full, 99.9% attention. the other 0.01% goes to my hair.
4. speaking of hair, you will have to continue reading to further chapters to find out how my hair is always looking better than your shitty future. (tip: girls love a good hairstyle. find your true colors and use it to make a good do. if it doesn't work, recreate my signature flow.)
5. my kids are mike, dustin, lucas, and max. you may be thinking, what about their real parents?? then riddle me this, dipshit. where were their parents when they were in another dimension luring deadly demogorgons TO us? oh right. home. in the bath. flirting with billy. meanwhile, i was keeping their kids safe and healthy.
6. my step kids are my bats with nails. no, i have not named them yet. but yes, you sure as hell know that i will.
7. i am always accepting new children, because everyone needs a healthy, safe leader in their life. however, i don't accept just anyone. you need to be able to listen, sit on the bench and effectively play as a sub. (or even leave the bench and screw listening to the rules.)
8. i am a very humble person. however, i should be awarded often. my job (which seems easy) is very hard. keeping kids safe may be easy when you're sitting at home on the bench, but once in the game (with additional perks such as fire, deadly animals, great hair, and an ex girlfriend) it is a very hard and complicated job that deserves nothing but applause. i'll take that now.
applaud, you shit.
9. i have no mercy when it comes to fighting evil. fuck civil shit. i'll beat the shit out of a demodog when the time is right. and the time is always right.
10. the best way to deal with a breakup is to distract yourself. for example, after nancy called me 'bullshit' i decided to show her i didn't care. i adopted 4 middle school kids and 3 trusty bats, who i use to not only distract me, but also become the best single mom the basketball team has ever seen.
11. eleven. eleven still hasn't told me if she wants to be part of the steve crew, and if she doesn't decide soon she'll be forced to join. not by me, but by my gorgeous hair and my fabulous skill. watch out hopper. i'm #Comin4U
now you are all set to look into the daily life of a full time mother, or babysitter for that matter.
