The Ramblings of a Teenage Girl

Diary Entry 1: Search for Love

                                                    11/14/17

Dear Diary,

I can't seem to find love. Everyone around me seems to have a lover or at least get some type of action while I'm just here by myself. My mother recently got a boyfriend and to be honest I am a little upset that she continues to gripe about how she doesn't get to see him very often (he works long hours) and how she wants attention. Truth be told she gets attention and a lot of it. She has had many boyfriends and lovers and always seems to be hooking up with or talking to men (before she met her now partner) She thinks she has it bad just because she doesn't see him everyday. I can't help but think 'At least you have someone’ I don't have squat. All I have is chocolate, fanfiction, and video games. Do you know how hard it is to not be touched (lovingly not intimately) or how much it hurts to be so alone. After a while it gets to you. I am always told that I am beautiful and am constantly asked if I have a boyfriend but for all my life the answer has always been a big fat 'NO’. Hell the reason I'm writing this is because I am so stressed out by this along with college applications that I can't sleep. Did you know being lonely can cause physical pain? I sure do. It's like a dull ache in your chest that creeps up to your throat, constricting it. It saps away all will to do anything as you're too down to be on your phone, to read, or play video games. Hell it hurts even to think. When I am in one of my 'moods’ I just want to lie down and pretend not to exist for however long the feelings last. Relationships are an important part of a person's development as they teach one how to care for others and also help them to learn things about themselves that they never knew before. I wish it wasn't so hard to find love… Also please refrain from using the generic saying ‘ you have to love yourself first’ or 'you’ll find someone eventually if you get out there more!’ I have heard those too much and they offer no help. Can't I feel lonely if I want to? Stop forcing me to listen to that crappy magazine advice bullshit because it doesn't work. I do love myself (to a degree) and I do feel like I need a relationship to be happy. Who the hell cares if that's how I feel. It doesn't make me any less of a woman for feeling the need to be in a relationship and no I refuse to 'look at the bright side of being single.’ I don't give a flying fadoodle about how you wish you were single because you had more freedom etc. and how I am lucky because I am able to sleep around if I want. You're not me and you don't know how I feel. Everyone is different so just because you can be happy single doesn't mean I can be. Dammit it feels like something is seriously wrong with me because of how often I get rejected by the guys I am interested in. The only guys who do pursue me only want sex or are way too freaking old (sometimes both). I am not about to give up my virginity to an obnoxious, lecherous prat (fuckboy) thank you very much! I want to fall in love and be married...that is when I will give into temptation.