wallflower

I

Here I lay, once again, hoping turning down the lights and leaving myself to think alone would lessen the severity of my thoughts. Here I lay in a room with four walls that, given the ability to think for themselves, would have already known me well enough to write my biography and obituary. Here in this very room is where I lay is where I have told myself many nights that I craved death or that I should cling on to life just a little longer. So here I lay, my last genuinely healthy resort, writing this to clear my mind.
So here I decide to take everything and remove it from the crowded enclosure of my mind. Here I may speak for myself, for few, or for many. I will put my thoughts here. It will be here for you to ignore, to interest, or to dislike. Whatever you choose to make of it is unknown to me.
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The overtaking sadness, the stress, and the unnecessary worried thoughts, the things society has come to believe only exist in the excuses used to avoid every day life are cruel and wretched. We manipulate ourselves to believe the isolation, the music's high volume, and the razors, pills, or lighters hidden in our bathrooms can distract us, but do they really? Manipulations only work for so long until you decide it's not enough to defend yourself against feeling nothing or feeling everything. Then what? What do we do when everything is caving in? What do we do when our only vices are ripped from underneath us because they're the bad habits that stereotype us as dysfunctional? How do we distract ourselves from simple things that are horrifying to us, such as the cruel rituals of the Monday mornings where we are forced to face reality for a whole week?
        And that's where it starts. We're scared of the things everyone else can do and face so easily. Many think these fears are just excuses to avoid reality when in reality we crave the ability to be one with the rest of society. We crave what we lack. What we lack is strength. The strength to wake up every morning with a positive attitude. What we lack is communication. The communication we need to get our feelings across. What we lack is hope. The hope we need to believe we will get through this rough patch. What we lack is motivation. The motivation to gain what we lack. So this is where we are stuck and where it all starts. Where the confusion on how we take simplicity and bend it into all kinds of fear starts. The fear of social interaction, fear of showing emotion, fear of change, and much more. But we are unsure of what to do about any of it. We are unsure of who will understand and who will not so we think we're better off not mentioning it at all. So we just pray it doesn't last too long and doesn't worsen and that's where I stand currently.