Car Radio (Coming Soon)

I took another puff. I knew he was coming. He always found his way to wherever I was. Without fail. I pulled my leather jacket closer to my body, and looked at the clock that was just above the no loitering sign in this back alley I was currently hanging out in having a cigarette. My thigh highs were the only things protecting my legs as I took another drag. 

"Arabella? What are you doing here?" A man in a cop's outfit asks me.

"What does it look like Wyatt?" I respond, the only light in the alley from the dim light above the door and the end of my fag creating a tiny dot in the alley of the nightclub. "You're not who I expected." 

"He's too high to come get you right now." He responds. "What are you doing Ara? What has happened that made you this way?" He shakes his head, and runs his hand through his hair. 

"You know for fucks sake." I laugh, and take another drag. He knew damn well why. He was the fucking cause after all. 

"Listen I know you're sad about Imogen, but that is no excuse to smoke and act like this. You're too young anyway." 

I walked towards him and slung my arms around him. I looked him dead in the eye and bit my lip. "I remember when you liked it." I smile and wink at him, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "I know you like your underage girls dangerous." I give him a little love bite, and back away, as always leaving him begging for more. There's no harm in that is there? Well I see none. 

"You're gonna get caught by someone whose not me sometime Ara, and you're gonna be sorry." 

"It's Arabella now. Get it right dickhead. Your brother always did in bed. When he wasn't calling me god, that is." I threw the fag by the dumpster and walked back into the club. 

"Hey, Paulie. Where's the stuff?" I ask smiling at him with the smile that brings any guy to his knees. 

"It's in the the bathroom, sweetcheeks. It's $300 a gram. It's premium." He says, and I hand him the money, knowing I'd make more in an hour at the rate I was going. 

"You're the best." I whisper in his ear, and I could tell that he wanted me, but I have a strict no touching policy, but he can always look. My skirt left little to the imagination and my thigh highs, leather jacket, and studded litas on my feet left them all wanting to know more, and wanting to do more, but I just still wasn't that type of girl. 

"Why hello there, what do we have here?" A man with tattoos up and down his arms looked me up and down and I simply extended one finger towards him and moved on, knowin that he was all bark and no bite. 

I walk out of the club. I was all bark and no bite. I was like every person in that place. I didn't belong there. I typically wouldn't have even thought about going in there a year ago, but a year is a long time. A long time breaking hearts, a long time changing my reputation, a long time trying to get myself killed because I was far too coward to do it myself. People say its get better. It doesn't people just get better at hiding it. I walked down the cold, dark street, knowing that if I was attacked now, not only would I let it happen, I would pray that it killed me in the process. The world was far less fair than that though. 

Everyone thinks that every action has two possible outcomes, but it is so much more complicated than that. There's so many things that happen due to our choices. A dog will walk by and that could be the thing that starts World War III. There is a reason that the dog is there, and there is a reason that everything out there happens. This is my design. All the small people making decisions that could possibly impact the whole world. 

There are decisions that make no fucking sense. There's no rhyme or reason or even a semi-sensible answer to it all. Everything happens for a reason. That's what they say, but there was no fucking reason for this. There was no fucking reason for any of this to happen. I am one of seven billion. I am of no importance, but we all are so fucking dilusional that we believe that the entire universe is ours for the taking. 

"Echo? What are you doing out here?" 

I hadn't heard that one in awhile, but I guess that's why I can't mask everything, because I am simply an echo of what has been and what is to come. But that's the secret. We all are. There is not one true human being out there. 

We all just become better actresses and better actors than we were the previous week or even the previous day. as each day gets further and further away from that day the before of all this, back when times were normal, back when I was valedictorian and had the world by the balls. Hell back when I hadn't said a cuss word in my entire life, back when I wouldn't even joke or pretend I was doing drugs. 

I am a fake. I am a poser. I am a fraud. I am a bitch. I am a slut. I am a prude. I am a tease. I am a whore. I am a motherfucker. I am a prep. I am a goth. I am a broken person. I have myself completely together. I am falling apart. I am human. I am alone with my thoughts. I am a liar. I am completely and utterly whatever you want me to be.

Everything was simpler before. Before they both abandoned me. Back when I could actually distract myself long enough and they gave me a reason to live. That girl is gone now. No one knows why I started cracking during the before stages. 

Their both gone and they both were halves of my heart, now my heart is gone, and I couldn't care less.