If You Only Knew

7/18/18

The field was so beautiful and the grass so green. The sun shimmered perfectly and everything felt okay. Even if my mom was still gone. Even if my brother was still into drugs. I was happy and completely in love. I looked to my right and that’s when his name fell from my lips, “Jace.” It came out in a whisper, but there he was walking towards me from the woods edge. His long strides and dark hair unmistakable.  He seemed so at ease, so elegant. As if it took nothing to look that graceful.  The closer he got though, the brighter the sun got. It made it to where no matter how close he was I couldn’t see his face. It began to be a blinding light. Turning from a blaring yellow to a blistering white. “Ugh” I said waking up to from my sleep. The sunlight streamed through the skylight. It blinded me and was a rude awakening to such a wonderful dream.

 It always ended like that though, I’d be close to seeming who he was when I’d wake up to either my alarm clock or the sun. As I got up and headed to the bathroom to get ready for work I wondered why I had such strong feelings for someone who I’d only had dreams about, and I hadn’t even seen his face in the dreams. Somehow though…I come to rely on this man I didn’t know. I trusted him and wanted to spend every day with him. I just wanted to go to sleep to see him and still have him there when I woke up. All this for some man my subconscious had created? It seemed quite silly.

 Finally dressed in my green Scooby – Doo scrubs I felt slightly better. Even if it was a silly dream it had made my morning a happy one, now that I was wearing my favorite color and TV show on my clothes my morning was a 6.5 on the awesome scale. I walked out into the hall to be greeted by my loving baby girl Maximum Ride. “Good morning Max, are you ready to go out?” I ask her this every morning and every morning I get the same reply of her wagging her nub of a tail and running down the hall to the top of the stair case. Glancing back at me almost as If to ask “Are you coming??? Come on!!!”

So I walk over to her and she races down the steps to the back porch door. I jog down the steps and slide across the hardwood floor in my socks. I laugh to myself as Max barks from the door. “Don’t act as if that isn’t fun Max….It’s even funnier when you can’t stop and slide into the door.’ I tell her. She rolls her eyes at me, probably wondering what’s wrong with me.  I open the door to let her out and I step out into the morning air. The autumn air has the perfect chill to it. When I first moved to Vancouver, Canada it was a little cold for me. Finally my body got used to it though.  It’s always so pretty in the mornings the trees and the grass has fresh dew and the sun lights up the droplets just perfectly. Max comes back in and jumps on the leather couch. I look at her, smiling so happy. She seems so content that I just let her stay there. I kiss her on her head.

 I then go to the front door and get my shoes, from there I head to the garage. My mom always used to call it the gar-edge. She used to use fun British lingo all the time. She picked it up from her first husband, who came from England. I know it’s been a month already since her death, but it feels like just yesterday. I miss her so much. As soon as I get into my shiny green Camaro, it hits me how much my life is like I planned. Well most of it at least. I start of the car and turn on the radio, making a mental note to myself to take the old motorcycle out for a ride tonight. As I back out of my driveway Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus comes on.

This song throws me back. I’m again thinking about how my life turned out. I got the house of my dreams. My car, motorcycle, location of where I live and my best friend. I still have my Max, plus I’m working my way up to being a veterinarian. Then again though I lost my mom. My brother got back into trouble and the girl I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with broke my heart. Five years ago I met this girl who was amazing, but kind of messed up. She had a lot of problems, but somehow we stayed together for two years. It wasn’t all bad, but it also wasn’t worth it. We had planned on getting married and everything. Then she ended up cheating on me, that’s when I dumped her.