From your dying sister...

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Im'm really unsure about this chapter. My mum's best friend recently died of cancer so, as well as dedicating this to her, I've put in what she said about her youth too.

January 7th 2011

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Today was tough. More doctors, more bad news. When I was first diagnosed I was terrified of doctors. In one short sentence one of them managed to tear our family to bits. But now I feel sorry for them. They hate the part of their jobs which include people like me. Hopeless cases that means they have to deliver bad news, over and over again.

And Jason. Jason came to visit again. He was my first, and last, boyfriend. When I was 14 everything seemed to be fine, I was recovering so I went back to school. He was the new boy and so he hadn’t known school without me so he couldn’t accidentally leave me out like my other friends. And I loved that so much. Jake never liked him, I should of listened to him.

But Jason made me feel different. All my other friends were scared for me and didn’t like to do anything that could end up with me getting hurt. But Jason didn’t know I was ill so he wasn’t scared to have fun with me. We would skive school and go down the park or go out late to the first ‘wild’ parties. Our parents thought I was rebelling against their care after years of relying on them but it wasn’t that. I could feel that I would be ill again soon and I had a feeling it would be the last time I was ill, this time was going to kill me. So I had to live my life before I wasn’t able to anymore.

I stopped hanging round with Jake because he would warn me about Jason. He said Jason would run for the hills when he found out that I was ill. But I buried my head in the sand and ignored him. My behavior got worse, I would swear at teachers and mum and dad, I would stay in bed late at weekends before getting up, going to Jason’s and staying out late. I would drink and I even smoked weed once.

But then at one of my check ups warning bells started up, I was hospitalized and I was pulled out of school. Jason came to visit me; he said he should have known and that he was sorry. He was fine at the beginning, he would come and visit all the time, bringing flowers and kissing my hand, telling me he loved me. Jake would quietly remove the flowers after Jason left, knowing that I would never tell Jason I had hay fever.

But after a while things started getting a little strained. He didn’t know how to cope with having a girlfriend that considered a ‘good’ visit one where I didn’t vomit in front of him. He couldn’t learn the names of the chemicals being pumped into me and he was rude to the nurses as if it was their fault I was here. Basically he didn’t fit into the hospital setting, he was the bad boy which was why I liked him at school but when I was ill I just needed stability and comfort. He tried breaking me out of hospital, at which point mum went mental. She had been quite accepting of him to that point, assuming I just wanted a slice of normality. But she was so angry, angrier than I had ever seen her.

Jake started to refuse him entry into my room, side by side with my dad. But after a few weeks he was allowed back in. The thing was I didn’t want him there. He was my way of rebelling against my illness. My way of saying ‘you don’t own me, I can still have fun’. But when I was properly ill again I just accepted it, it’s worse if you fight it. And poor Jason only knew the ‘stuff the rules’ me, he’d never met the ill, feeble one. I stopped talking when he came and after a while he stopped coming. Jake was the one that told me he’d seen him with someone else. We’d never even officially split up.

But he came to see me again today. He said all the stuff about loving me and what we can do when I’m better. He doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the fact that I’m at home not at the hospital, which doesn’t mean I’m better; it means there’s nothing else they can do.

He brought me flowers too, like he always does. Pink roses which as soon as he’s gone I hand over to your waiting arms. Not only because they’ll have me sneezing all night but also because he seems to think that flowers can make everything better. They can’t, they wither and die just like I will. 

You always hated Jason too, he isn’t good with children. You and Jake always knew he was a bad egg. Your words not mine. In fact, for you the name fitted so well you took to calling him eggy every time he visited. Jake loved it too, he tells jokes about it whenever he comes over.

I can here you screaming downstairs and I know why. Mums just told you about the family holiday being cancelled. You’re blaming me. But you’re right of course; it is my fault we can’t go away anymore.

 But you’ve just come up to apologize for blaming me; you put your face round the door and begged me to forgive you and to watch the little mermaid with you. How can I resist those watery eyes? So I’m going to curl up with present day you, bye sweetie.