you want to know what goes on in my brain. thing is.. i don't know how to explain. i have this little voice telling me i'm the reason everything's going to shit in my family... i feel useless because i try to help and end up making everything 10x worse. but i put on a mask, i have to.. i want people to like me. i try so hard to be happy. and yeah to seem realistic i let out my real self for a little while. i feel like everything that goes right eventually goes wrong. i know my girlfriend will get sick of me one day. everyone else did. i know my friends will give up on me. everyone else did. i know my family pretend to care about my mental health because everyone fucking else did. the only time i'm okay is when i'm talking to my girlfriend because for once i feel fucking alive. jesus christ i've been anorexic 3 times and every single time i wish it just ended me. i hate this shitty world. ever since i was a little girl i knew this world would turn out shit. it's how humanity and everything works. everything goes well.. till it goes to shit, then you get your hopes up and it goes to shit again. now i'm a average boy wishing i could just be accepted. but what hurts is. the one man i looked up to, the one man i lived over every other man in my life. doesn't accept me like i thought he would. my dad laughed in my face when i told him i was a boy in a girls body.. and i cant even tell my mum why i don't want to see him. if i was to tell her who i was, id be homeless in seconds. i make up stupid little lies because i want to liked and i want to protect myself...
i've been used so many times. in a relationship and out. i've been sexually assaulted, and told i'm only worth shit because i have a good looking body. but i don't see what they saw. i see a fat bitch, faking a smile. i pretend to be proud of my body. but really i look in the mirror and cry. i feel fat. i know i don't look it "you look like a stick" yeah.. but remember we have different visions. the whole point of a lie is so that the other person doesn't figure out the truth. but people can see through me so easily and it annoys me that i'm so see through to them. i like being hidden. i hide myself because im scared of what you'll really see. you see me at school? so confident? so proud. so... fake. that's not me, when i'm home, i cry endlessly. i wish i could be me, but the last time i was real, i was bullied and forced to do things because i was vulnerable. i hate being vulnerable. i'm scared to be like that again. i'm scared. all the time. maybe i'll break, i'll snap, i'll tell everyone who i really am. well that's today. im elijah... im a scared little boy. who reads books because i want to be the smart one, who has a dream of being a musician, but is terrified to be one because i'm insecure as fuck. im the boy that doesn't know how to act. i'm not normal, id rather go skateboarding than talk to people, i want to be strong, but i'm weak. i listen to music to stop myself from caving in.
now for the self harm...
i cut myself when i was 9. i did it with a knife across my leg, i told my mum i dropped the knife and it cut me, i was in hospital because i lost so much blood, after that i hadn't cut for 2 years. i was happier, till i had a friend who told me i wasn't good enough to be their friend, i wasn't pretty enough and i was popular enough. so i did it with a safety pin. straight across my wrist. after that i didn't stop. everyday was a new tiny cut. "it was the cat mum, we were playing and it scratched me" my mum didn't really care so i got off.. she was always busy with work, i hardly got to see her which made it stressful for both of us, i wanted to be alone a lot more, since i was used to it. she wanted to sleep and eat, so i was her personal slave. i then starved myself for 2 weeks, i hated myself and wanted to be good enough.
that's all for now.. that's what goes through my head, the memories... you wanted to know, there you fucking go 😭
