Dark Thoughts

Ask me. Because if I'm not asked, I wont speak. Call me crazy, but it's just how I am. Don't feel bad if I don't seem too interested in the conversation, because I'm probably just too shy and nervous to say something that might upset you in any way. Even if it's the thing I'm most interested in or invested in, I'll keep my eyes low and my mouth shut. For the love of whatever God there is or isn't, please don't yell at me for it. Going through whatever the hell it is that I'm going through, sucks, and by yelling at me for it you aren't making it any easier.

Hearing someone raise their voice, even in the slightest, is a slippery slope that leads to me talking less than I already do. I overwhelm myself with dark thoughts about how I do nothing but bother people, and how maybe if I were gone I wouldn't have to worry about any of if. Joking or sarcastically making fun of me doesn't help either, because I take everything seriously. Killing my self esteem, or, whatever sliver of it there may be is something that only adds to said dark thoughts. Laughter is an arrow in the side as well. Makes me think that they're/you're laughing at me, even though I know I have nothing to do with the conversation. Probably.

Quiet can be good or bad, I guess it just depends. Rather than being normal and enjoying it, I sometimes tend to think too deeply into what isn't real, and scare the hell out of myself. So, I listen to music, or TV, or anything else to create some sort of background noise. Though, I often end up pausing it several hundred times because I thought I heard something. Unfortunately, this happens a lot, which only adds to my paranoia. Very often, it's nothing and I'm just hallucinating, or my family is home, or my dog is scratching his ear.

While this somewhat calms my nerves, it doesn't do much to push away the paranoia, and simply sends me spiralling down another deep pit of self-consciousness. X-Ray me, and you'll find nothing but skin and bones. You'll find only this because I'm too afraid of my own shadow to let my personality be known by only a number of people. Zero.