Living Through The Lyrics

Funeral Beds // The Districts

This time I'm not woken up by the maddening repetitive sound of an alarm blaring in my left ear drum, telling me to wake up and get a head start to my day. No, this time it's the fresh scent of lavender honey and damp hair that tickles my bare chest. I hold it in though, pretending to still be deep in my sweet slumber. Soft skin touching mine, legs wrapped around my waist and the feeling of an angels lips pressed against my neck, I finally cave. Wandering hands finding their way to the thighs of the woman I love. Then like a surprise attack, she is on her back. A laugh escapes her lips as her body hits the bedding, and I'm looking into her chestnut eyes that match the silky hair that is now sprawled out perfectly across the pillow where my head used to lay. There is no word in this world to describe the absolute beauty that this woman is.

"Can we run away?" Absolutely. "Somewhere far." How about farther.

"I want to feel the wind in my hair!" Her eyes begin to sparkle in excitement as she sits up, her low v-neck cotton shirt giving me a better view of her cleavage. She looks beautiful in blue. Warm hands surround my cheeks as she lifts my head. "Can we go?"

Every day is an adventure with her. Cruising along an abandoned road that stretches out for forever. Her favourite music playing through my speakers, it's so loud you can feel the vibration through your toes. Her hair flows perfectly with the cool wind while she decides to crawl out of the opened sunroof. She watches her balance before throwing her hands in the air. She lets out a shout of excitement, the biggest teethy smile appearing on her face, absolutely the most precious thing I have ever seen. She sways her arms back and forth, bobbing her head to the beat of the song, I don't realise it though, I ended up doing the same thing. Happiness. I finally know what it means. She jumps back down, planting the most delicate kiss on my face, my stubble most likely prickling her lips which causes her to let out a giggle.

80 kilometres down this large stretch of a road that I call freedom and I notice a change in the weather. Grey dark clouds, they look like depression. Winds that feel like it could start a natural disaster. It began raining tremendously, filling the car up with water due to the still open sunroof. It was so peaceful before this. The sun shining as bright as her smile, the air so warm like her hands are when she holds me. Anxiety bubbling up in me, and then it hits. I turn to look at her and she's not there. Almost as if she was never there. But wait, reality versus dreaming. Heavy breathes, bloodshot eyes, sweat that could fill up a kids pool. Of course, its a dream.

There it goes again, that alarm blaring in my left eardrum. Motionless, I lay there. No sweet lavender, no angel kisses. Just darkness. It's been like that for that past while ever since she left. I force myself to get up like I have to do every day. I don't bother to look in the mirror again, already knowing that I will see what I saw the day it happened. I don't have to see what I already know. Lost, sorrow, loneliness, wavy hair that's grown slightly too long so it sways across my face.

Blame swallows over me every day. I convince myself that it was my fault she did what she did. That maybe, just maybe, if I had said something differently, done something better, just been better, she wouldn't have succeeded at what she did. And God, I miss her. Everyday plays flashbacks of the good days and I wonder where it all went wrong and why, why oh why was I not enough. Getting mad at myself, there are holes in the walls from aggressive punches, torn down blinds that used to peacefully hang from the window, papers and books sprawled out on the floor like a garden of paper cuts.

To think that happiness will make its appearance again is doubtful. And maybe that sounds dramatic because I'm still young and have my entire life ahead of me, that I have barely experienced life itself, but there is no woman in this entire world who will be as perfect as my angel. And with that, to the funeral beds I will go just so we can meet again.