Rambles but more gay and depressing

1:46 am

awake.
i lay here with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.
these thoughts
they come in swarms
thoughts that amuse me,
thoughts that depress me,
thoughts that scare me.
i think about these random things
these pointless things
but why?
i try to block out the thoughts,
at least the painful ones
i think about good things
my pets,
books,
The Office,
my friends,
the fact that christmas is coming soon;
damn i love christmas,
chai tea lattes.
but as hard as i try,
these painful thoughts just don't go.
the reasons i won't talk as much as i used to;
i don't laugh as much;
many things have contributed to this,
some things that i could have prevented,
but i've let them just about push me over the edge.
i should have told her i had feelings for her,
but it's too late.
i can't do that anymore.
because now she is with someone else.
i try to act like i'm okay with it,
but in reality,
it's killing me.
the fact that i don't know;
i don't know what would of happened if i had told her.
maybe she would have felt the same way;
and it would be me who was with her
not him.
maybe i would be happy,
and not wanting to go home
the minute i get to school.
i can't handle seeing her.
each time she looks at me,
it feels like a stab in my chest.
as i'm typing these words,
i'm growing tired;
tired of crying because of my stupidity.
tired of being afraid my family won't accept me.
sure, they know i went to pride,
but they're are so oblivious to everything.
i have a fucking pride flag in my room.
i have a book literally called "this book is gay,"
which by the way
i don't care what your sexuality is;
get that book,
it's so good.
but still,
i don't know what to do about it.
i don't want to tell them;
not yet.
these thoughts crowd my mind.
it's 2:30 now.
i'm going to try and sleep. 
despite the inevitable nightmares i will get.
the thoughts are dying down,
and soon it is quiet;
both in my head and in my room,
and i lie here in silence.