Fumbling with Feelings

Chapter 1

1.the Beginning- how it ended

I walked on the slippery black and white tiles, as a million questions whirled in my mind.

"How could he?" I thought aloud.

"How could he what?" a familiar face appeared in front of me. I wasn't in a mood to talk, but I knew that she wouldn't let me go until she got an explanation. so I decided to make something up.

"um..nothing. Actually, a guy in the street just bumped into me, amd told me to 'watch it' as he said."

her eyebrows shot up disbeleivingly

"stop trying to fool me. And, tell me what really happened. You were going to talk to Kevin, right? Did you? How did it go?"

I felt like I wanted nothing more than a little time alone, to think.

"Uh- Mer can we talk later? I'm really really tired right now."

"Yeah, but-"

"Please" I pleaded

"Well, okay."

And within a second of hearing that I scurried off to my room.

I plopped down on my bed and closed my eyes, attempting to actually understand what was going on.

"It can't happen. It's not that I don't like you, but.. it just can't"

I repeated those words in my mind for the thousandth time. After what seemed like eternity I had stopped crying, but I felt tears pricking my eyes again, as I thought about the bitter words he had said.

"Amy trust me, it's not about you."

I knew it was about me, or probably not. I didn't care, either way I got hurt. it ended the same way, no matter what the reason, better termed 'excuse' might be. I was just daydreaming once again. How was I supposed to get rid of this wishful thinking? I glanced at the turquoise clock at the wall, it read "7:00pm". Good, still 2 hours til mom and dad came home.

"I'd love to be friends"

"Why can't I just get it out of my head!?" I screamed. I knew Meredith would be in her room or the living room, which is far from my room, which is the only room on the second floor. I didn't know how and on whom could I release my anger and frustration, so I just screamed. But, it didn't help, I didn't feel better.

"Why Why WHY?!" I shouted "I just wanted a little affection! Is it too much to ask for?"

I heard a knock on my door, "Amy?" a soft voice said "Can I come in?"

I wiped off the tears from my cheeks, and I tried to untangle my hair, which were a tangled mess. In fact, I was a mess!

"Yeah Mer, you can come in"

I forced a smile as she entered the room, looking apologetic. Though there was no reason for her to be apolohetic. I forced a smile, though I think it came out as a sad smile, and maybe it made me look more pathetic, if that was even possible.

"See Em, I know you're crying over that Kevin guy.."

Kevin guy? couldn't she just call him Kevin? Oh my, I am defending him despite bieng mad at him.

"And.." she continued " I know this sounds stupidly optimistic, but things will be okay. He doesn't deserve your tears. Trust me, he doesn't."

"I know you're saying that" I said catching my breath because of crying, "because you think it's true. But trust me, it isn't. And, I for one, am definitely not in the mood of bieng optimistic. "

"Amy.." she groaned "Please don't do this."

"Why?" I snapped "Why shouldn't I do this? Because I shouldn't spoil your cheery mood, and ruin your excitement about graduation?"

I watched her expression turn from concern to anger to grief. " See, I don't care about graduation as much as I care about you, Okay?"

I looked up to see the eyes which actually reflected concern and worry. I saw in a flashback all the memories of us from junior year to the senior year. Meredith Blake. She was my cousin, who has been living with us since her mom left her dad. As her dad was a cousin of my mom, and he knew nothing about teenage girls, Meredith ended up bieng shipped to California, to live with us. It was my mom who offered to let Meredith stay with us, because she thought that I needed some 'company', and to be fair- I was really happy, because I was actually quite fond of Mer, she was a good listener, despite bieng a feather-head. And, as we were the same age, we could actually talk about anything.

"Sorry, I know I'm bieng stupid. I am just having a rough time, I guess."

"It's okay. I understand" she smiled.

And surprisingly, I felt comforted.