Scrap

1. Choices

{A/N: Just some mixed words that came out of my head}

The more I gawk at it, the more I realize it does not matter what choice you make in any situation, there is no right or wrong. It's not like you won't regret it, but it will either be a lesson or a lucky guess.I think a lot, much more than I should, more than any person should, but that's what most of us do. We overanalyze to make sure we are careful and choose the correct option to make our life's better, to make others like us, and sometimes to like ourselves. But is all the time, energy and effort thinking over things worth it. I suppose most times, it is not.One day we will all perish. Sounds grim, but it is true. We are a blank page when we are born, and when we die, we create one. Whatever is left is what we do in between, but that doesn't mean we can't choose what we truly like or do what we desire to fit in the box and leave an imprint on this world.We should definitely change ourselves from time to time. Cause change is nature, without it, you are as good as dead. A stagnant life does no one good. But once in a while, we must stop to take in what the world has to offer.Recently, I have made some choices in my life that lead me to believe I may have messed up big time. I worry all night and day about the consequences of my path and the ones people make around me.I always longed to feel special. You could say I'm a dreamer and foolish. I know I am. Because even though I realized a long time ago that I don't need anyone to make me, I still gave people the power to break me.All one wants is a little love. And in the process, to gain that love and affection, we forget to give that attention to the most important person... ourselves.I feel no shame in agreeing I want to be selfish at times. I want things to go my way. But that doesn't make me a cruel person. If I won't think for myself, who would?Don't think of me as crazy; I do things for people who don't like me and for people who I don't like. I could take a bullet for someone I barely met. But I am not much of a good person; I can be mean and rude for no reason. Sometimes I think of it as self-preservation cause what I got in return for being soft turned me to rock. But a realization hit me hard when I was feeling the lowest. I needed to breadth. There are people out there who have issues more severe than mine, and that doesn't make my problems any less significant, but that does mean I can make them better.I have been hurting a lot, like most of us. And I am the one wounding myself like most of us. My biggest tribulation is that I can't seem to forgive myself.In looking for the things we want tomorrow, we leave behind the opportunities of today and rush towards a dark future into the unknown.All one must do to move forward is to take a step at a time. And the biggest step one can take is to realize that whatever we are going through is a step to make us stronger.I am so afraid to make any choice without thinking, and the funny thing is that even after I have made that choice, I think about it. I suppose, I like to be prepared, just a little too much thought. And if that choice turns out not to be the best, I blame myself and hurt myself more than I should.Dwelling in the past should be a thing of the past. I want to move on from my choices. I have finally realized that the only way to successfully do it is by taking responsibility. I am not perfect, and I can never be, but that's the thing I don't really need to. We are all mere humans at the end of the day. I am trying to forget the past, but I can't because it's a part of who I am now; and who I will be. So I forgive myself for my mistakes and the ones I might make, and I'm pretty sure I will.I have lost people over the years, people I felt I would always cherish. If I could, I would turn back time. After all, I want a miracle too.I am nothing special, I have nothing special, and I may never be someone special. Yet I will always have me, and it's me who will ful-fill the void in me.Of course, I desire someone to stare at a beautiful sunset with, and I want that person to stare at me in place of the setting sun. I wish for grand gestures and stories of friendship, adventures and travels to brag about.All that is just around the corner, and I don't have to cross seven seas to find happiness and love. It's present in all the small things, the smile a stranger gives you, the joy you get when you try something new, that stupid joke your friend made about you which leads you to realize she observes you more than you give her credit for, that cold wind that brushes across your skin and the warmth of the winter sun, the tears the slip out of your eyes when you read a book, and the butterflies you get when you start a journey back home. It's all right in front of your eyes.I hated myself when all I had to do to change my situation was to love myself. To be better not for someone else but just for me.I am just stating things we know but don't acknowledge. Maybe sometimes it takes some pain to jolt you to your sense. I was afraid to get hurt, and now I realize I don't mind getting hurt again. Cause what is life, but a bittersweet memory. A memory that you leave behind for people to remember you by. Getting hurt isn't bad and hurting someone accidentally doesn't mean you should blame yourself. Because how will someone else value you if you don't do it yourself, and how will someone jump with you if you don't jump with them. So try to feel as much as you can and share your happiness. 

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{First draft-23 Nov, 2017}