Drapetomania - DEH - time loop AU

Preview + warnings

Warnings for the whole fic:

- suicide attempt
- swears, slurs
- self harm mention
- talks of afterlife
- smut (probably not. I don't have the guts so please don't get your hopes up.)
- gore (curtesy of anonymouscroissant )

Credits: anonymouscroissant , myself I guess, and Idk my friend Meghan.

DAY 1:
The Graveyard Shift

All will be mentioned before each chapter just in case.

Light from the open window finds my eyes, it's bright and unforgiving. I attempt to shift myself upwards to see whatever is going on outside. Nothing. Like every other day, I let my head sink into the pillow and fall back into a deep sleep.

I toss and turn to the sound of my mother, "Evan! Come'on sweetie," she says. Though I am calmed by her voice, I'd much rather go back to bed. Alas; she really doesn't deserve to be late, and I really shouldn't do that to her.

I've already done enough.

Before even realizing I've packed my bag and put on my school clothes, I'm at the kitchen table. My shaking hands fumbled for the pill bottle as my Mother attempts to connect with her son. Her words bounce off my thin frame. Like a super ball against a brick wall, she keeps throwing. I swallow the pill whole and nod. I stare down into my cereal, lost in thought. She puts a warm hand on my cheek, and looks me in the eye. Being the touched-starved, anxiety ridden teen I am, I practically melt into her hand. Sometimes, I think I'll tear up at the sight of my own beautiful mother. She's so kind and warm while I'm shy, anxious, and snide in my own head. I give her a bitter-sweet smile, "Thanks Ma," I say with my cheek pushing into my face.

She's trying to connect, but there's a missing link. It's as if she's trying to put a chord into an outlet; one that is just too short. With no extension, she continues to pull and stretch to no avail. Fearing the first day of school, I ask the question we've all asked before. "Can I stay home today?" I shake out. Mom looks me in the eyes, I see her child-like smirk. Her glossy green eyes remind me of lush forests. Deep greens, bright tints, and all the other beautiful characteristics of Michigan state's parks. As distracted as I am, I find myself feeling slightly better. She sighs and pulls me into a hug, "I know it seems easier to run away, especially considering it's your first day of school." This was true, but I was not ready to face reality then."Sometimes, the answer isn't always what you want it to be," she smiles. Then she walks away leaving me alone at the small, wooden table. She pours herself a steaming glass of rich and energizing dark liquid, and I watch her leave the kitchen simultaneously wondering what that all meant.

****

The empty hallways of Little Traver's high school seem to mock me. Lockers that have yet to be adorned with locks swing back and forth. I recognize his laugh as he scrolls through his phone. "Hello," I manage towards my fr - family friend, Jared.

"Evan Hansen," his shit-eating grin scares me senseless. "That's, well, my name," I say. He ignores my rambling and continues his narration, "The first man in the universe to break his arm while jacking off."

"ohmyGodnojared."

I stare down at my blank cast; just looking at it reminds me of what I've done or - what I tried to do. Jared chuckles and I feel his hot, sour breath against my neck. It's disgusting. Just like my pathetic need to be near him all the time. He's a terrible friend

I sigh and attempt a shaky smile."I just finished my term at the national park,"I said.  I notice jared's unsurprised expression. God, what was that? Virtually no one shares my passion for trees. Negative, negative, negative - Suddenly, TV static fills my lungs. "I- um never mind? Don't really why I even mentioned it, i mean who knows anything about stupid trees," I threw my hands up in a questioning manner.

Anxiety erases words from your brain before you say them. I swear, my most common phrase is 'Ah, what's the word.'It's embarrassing, really. I tug at the straps of my backpack, "I'm sorry, I just.." He frowns,  "You - Uh - What??" he mocks. I feel thick balls of sweat fall down my neck. Not now not now not - . I exhale, Dr. Carol says I can't let people like that hurt me. "I'm having trouble articulating -" Jared cut me off, "What you're saying, yeah. You always do.''

****