A Series Of Inconvenient Events And How I Survived Them

chapter three

I wouldn't say it was my fault. But I also have no authority to claim none if it was. The reason Jace did this to me. The reason he felt the need to use someone else but stay with me was the need for something to be satisfied. He did love me indeed. But he was too blinded by his desire for those missing variables in me to tell me, or even spare me enough to break up with me first. I sat, holding him in our small shared kitchen wondering, just what was I missing so much of that I felt guilty right now. It hit me. Harder than the bullet of pain shot through my heart last night. I didn't pay enough attention to him. I took all of my anger out on him. I never listened to what he had to say. It might seem like these things are the usual. Simple and predictable reasons for someone to cheat. But there was one thing I just couldn't wrap my head around. I had been dating him for more than three years and I had no idea who he was. Besides some stories from his childhood and a few random facts I found out while we were casually talking, there was nothing I knew about him.

He finished crying, loosening his grip but not making eye contact. I rose from his lap so I could talk to him properly. I know it sounds like I had gone crazy- which I had- but I needed to apologize from my side. It was always him providing and me taking. I hadn't actually seen him smile like that night in months. What right did I actually have here either. With those thoughts in mind, I teared up but wiped them not wanting to redirect my current collection of questions and confessions I had to spill. I spoke first.

" I'm sorry." I managed through my tightening throat. His eyes widened to where I was sure they would just roll out at my words.

I continued,

" Yes. You cheated. Or at least that's the conclusion I've come to. Before you confirm it, I have some things to say. I haven't done enough. I don't think I could name half of the things even the new recruits at your office know about you. I have dated you for so long, but this whole time, i've been the main focus. I don't know any of your struggles, I still have to ask people around you what to get you for christmas, and even though your work days haven't changed for two years, I still ask you every week. I admit. I did a lot of things wrong. But you could have just talked to me." I took another swig of my coffee.

He didn't reply for some time, looking at the ground thinking.

" Why are you apologizing to me? Did you cheat? Did you meet with someone else when we were together?!" He raised his voice getting angry. I wasn't expecting him to do " Why do you do this to yourself. Last night i went to a hotel. I went alone to see if you would call. But you didn't. You let me go after seeing her too. I love you, but you don't stand up for yourself. Yell at me. Tell me I am an asshole who cheated and deserves to rot in hell-something! Don't do this to me. You know what I did." He calmed himself sitting again.

I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe it was the stress of dealing with him cheating. Maybe it was my shy nature. But yelling at him didn't seem like a plausible option. It wouldn't solve anything and would only make me feel guilty after. So I sat in silence, waiting for him to lead to conversation again.

" Are you gonna do it." He asked after a few minutes his head still down,voice wavering.

Instead of yelling, I spoke again

" No. I just want to know one thing. Why. What was I lacking so much of that you disregarded three years of your life to be with someone else?"

He shifted uncomfortably. It must have been something he was hesitant to tell me for a long time.

" Do you love me? Like really. Because the past three years have been a you-show, and I've been the studio audience." Jace muttered with regret.

I had already come to this conclusion earlier, but he seemed to want not only an apology, but an explanation of just why I had that sort of selfishness. I didn't know how to answer at first, but I remembered another one of my grandpas quotes,

" The real meaning of being honest is to answer with nothing in mind, because the thing that will come out anyways is the truth." Thanks paps.

Taking a deep breath- and another swig of the coffee- I sat up and began speaking.

' " I'm selfish. I should have paid attention to others but me, but I had a reason. Self consciousness." I was shocked at my own words, but continued on,

' " I looked to you for everything because I had no confidence that I could do it alone. I do love you. Everything about you, but I could never bring myself to ask you how you were, because I was afraid. Afraid that you might think I was prying, or maybe thought you were up to something. Which you were. I'm really sorry." Tears spilled from my eyes continuously, feeling like all the pain I harbored these three years came with every drop more.

Across from me, he was also crying. It became awkward after, and we sat in silence. Until a knock came from the door once again.

" I'm gonna go wash up, and then we can talk about how to sort things out after, okay?" Jace stood walking to the bathroom. I nodded, turning my phone over to check the time. It was 10:40. Girl Scouts. Shouldn't they get the message that I didn't want any diddly darn cookies after three months? This time I did though, so I grabbed my wallet and reset myself to the " Nothing weird happened today, so I'm gonna smile" mindset for the sake of the poor girl's eyes.

As soon as the door swung open, I knew it wasn't a girl scout.

" It's been awhile hasn't it, my sweet. " The voice called from the doorway. I shook in fear at the memories and steadied myself with the door itself.