I'm sorry but is that not the cutest picture.
Yet another post of Wyatt with some beautiful, skinny girl. Which only makes me feel worse about myself. Wyatt is my boyfriend and is filming for the remake of Stephen King's, IT, which means he's out of town for long time. It what makes it worse is that he's literally around model like girls all day.
I put my phone down and stand up, I walk to my mirror. I lift my hoodie and pinch stomach fat. I then pinch thigh fat and sigh. What if he leaves me because I'm not good enough, is all I can think right now. Maybe if I lost a few pounds, he wouldn't leave me.
"Y/n, breakfast!" My mother yells from downstairs. I sigh and look back at the mirror.
"I'm not hungry!" I yell back. I decide to get dressed and go out for some exercise. It will distract myself from food and burn off some calories. I put on a pink cropped t-shirt and jeans.
"I'm going for a ride." I say while I pass my mom.
"Where to?" She asks.
"Just around." I shrug.
"You're just going to drive around?" She asks. I grab my skateboard and show her it. "Oh." She says. "Well I guess I'll see you soon. And get something to eat okay?" She says and hands me a twenty dollar bill.
"Yep, bye I love you" I say quickly, grab the money and rush out.
"Love you too." My mom mumbles and goes back to eating.
"Well I have to spend this money somehow." I quietly tell myself as I get on my board and push off down my street. I scan the little shops around my neighbourhood and think about what I can spend this money on. I spot a small drug store, weight loss pills, is the first thought that comes to mind. I go into the store and pick up a few bottles before going to the cash.
"Have you ever used this medication before?" The man behind the counter asks. I grab it out of his hand quickly.
"Yep." I say quickly. He squints his eyes at me. "Works just like advil." He gives me an odd look but doesn't reply. I grab the bag with the pill bottles inside and run out of the store.
I decide to take one right now. Start as soon as possible I guess. I ride around for about another hour just listening to music then I head home.
"You were gone for a while." My mom states as I come into my house.
"A few friends were at IHop and I ended up sitting with them." I lie.
"IHop?" She questions.
"You told me to get food, so I did." I say. "I'll be in my room."
Weeks have gone by and I've lost around twenty pounds. I still feel fat. I've been eating about 200-400 calories every few days. Wyatt and the rest of the cast will be coming in about a week, and I guess I'm looking decent enough for him. My mom has notice the weight loss and thinks it's because of my sports and the extra exercise I'm doing, so that's good.
This Wednesday was horrible. I was forced to eat at the table with my family. So if I was forced to eat, I did the next best thing. Before my shower I had to try to make myself throw up. I shoved my fingers down my throat until I gagged and eventually vomited. It felt so bad, but at the same time, so good. I continued until my stomach was empty, until I sat there crying with puffy cheeks and red eyes. But I kept quiet, making sure no one could hear me. Why me? Are the only words running through my head. That night I had a massive headache, my throat was burning and my stomach was hurting uncontrollably. I cried myself to sleep, I wanted things to go back to how it was before, before when I could eat food without feeling guilty, before when I could eat food and not force myself to throw it up afterwards, before when I could look at food and not want to cry. I wanted it to be over, but it never would be, not until I was satisfied, not until I was beautiful, but beauty comes at a cost. But if I just kept telling everyone I'm fine, maybe I'll start to believe it too.
