Hi :) how are you? If you ask me if I’m fine, I’d probably say yes! Sure that’s what I want you to think. I’d smile like everything’s awesome. I’d act natural and happy even if I’m dying inside. Yah! You heard me. I’m dying inside. Going through all those heartbreaks is just unbearable but since I think I’m strong and I am, I keep on getting up even if how deep the broken glasses in my feet are, even if how tall the volume of the tears I bore. I act as if I feel no pain so people would see me as a fighter.
I’ve loved someone that loved me and never understood why we have to part separate ways. I keep on thinking to myself “it’s probably me. I wasn’t enough. I was never enough for him.” And it probably is the truth. After that heartbreak, I thought instead of being sad and dragging the past to where you’re heading, why not just go ahead and move on and give others the chance to show me that they’re different and actually want you for who you are because you’re more than enough.
This one guy who pampered me with his words had invited me to say yes to the proposal for being his partner. I gave it a try because I’m not the type of person if I don’t like you, I wouldn’t give you a shot and not give you a chance to let me see what your capabilities are. He’s too sweet and has a lot of effort for me. We tried and it turned out to be, I pity him and it’s somewhat lust. Desiring to have a relationship just to say we have someone to call ours. You actually get hurt so bad for trying and everything leads to something unmemorable.
The whole time I was with that guy, I’m still wanting for that guy who I haven’t closed the case with. There’s this always unfinished business going on between us but we deny and pretend that we’re okay with everything. Talking like nothing happened, there’s no feelings left and the feeling we felt when we’re in that almost perfect relationship. Maybe it’s because I never really felt he’s mine and the fact that he’s the perfect guy that’s too perfect for you. He wasn’t really made for me and we were never meant to be.
We force things in our life even though we know that we’ll end up hurting someone or ourselves. I forced myself to think that I have really moved on and I’m happy with the people that’s giving me company. There will always be a guy who loves you from the start but is too afraid to admit it. It’ll take time for them to get to that point where they’ll ask you to be theirs. At first, you’ll see it as a joke because it’s been there for years and in just an instant, they’ll shock you with what they’ll say.
Since he’s been there for almost 6 years for me, I gave it a shot. I wasn’t seeing anyone and I thought this one guy who I know for so long would take my mind of the one who’s always has been in my mind. Everything was fine at first. Our friendship turned to an even deeper one. We reminisce every single thing when we’re still close friends. Got to actually see each other in a different and a romantic way. I have been telling myself that I don’t love that guy no more and I should treasure the one that I have.
We start to have problems and all the laughter we started of the relationship, turned to tears. Every night I would cry myself to sleep but not knowing the reason why. There were no argument that lasts more than a day, which is great, but if it’s everyday… it’s just too painful. Thinking of losing what you have right now, your guy and also your best friend is really hard. Especially when you feel you’re not being loved no more by him.
He starts to lose interest in talking to you unlike when you guys are just starting, you would spend the day on the phone and stay up just to hear him on the other line breathing while sleeping. After hanging up, leaving long messages for him to read it when he wakes up. Sharing pictures and kissing them through the phone. Those days we’re gone. The distance between us is making it hard, but it’s the lack of trust, doubts and the effort that has been lessen are the ones that are making it harder. Things starts to get cold and you just feel like giving up.
I refuse to give up no matter how hard and painful it is. I tried saving it and be the bigger and smarter person to understand everything. At the end he just gave up on me. He’s throwing bunch of reasons and excuses why he had change. I just don’t get it. He told me he wouldn’t give up on me. Before I do, he already did. I can’t feel more unloved than anyone. I’ve tried everything, be stupidly inlove, be chill and understanding, be smart and be loyal and nothing seemed to work.
That’ll probably be the last chance that I’ll give to any one… but I can never be so sure. I’m just too sweet and kind to be greedy with chances. It’s just not me. I’m guessing, few months after, there’s going to be a guy, that will come up to me and court me and please me with every sweet word he knows, and at the end he’ll just try and hurt me. I wish I never had feelings. I always end up curling up in a corner somewhere where there’s no one to hug me and pat my head to tell me everything’s going to be fine.
Where’s Mr. Right? I need to know where… I don’t think I can afford to endure everything that Ted of How I Met Your Mother did just to meet her. Please give me the fucking strength to. I’ve been fixing these broken glass inside of me and holding it in as if the foundation is brand as new.
Just give me a sign please? Cause anytime soon, I might not believe in love :/
~ Dane :”<
(I just haven’t met you yet) song for me :”))))
or maybe I just don't need nobody but friends. :D I guess they're enough
