Every relationship ends. This is something I have known for as long as I can remember; my grandparents were divorced from before I was even born, I knew things could end that way, my great grandparents had been separated through death when I was at an early age, and I had seen countless high school relationships end in a flash. Some relationships may seem like they would last an eternity, but the maximum time we give to people is our life and even that seems to never be enough. Even with all of this knowledge and my introverted personality, for some reason I still crave a relationship.
For me relationships are, at the simplest level, people who respect each other or, on a deeper level, people who love each other; therein lies the problem. Love itself is a difficult term to define. For most people it is as simple as respecting one another's ideas and caring for them no matter what they do, and for others it is as dangerous as risking life and limb for them. In between these two extremes lies what I call the normal zone; the normal zone is an area in the relationship where people respect and care for each other and would risk life and limb, or so they say. When coming face to face with a normal zone relationship it boils down to impressions: neither party truly cares for one another, would be willing to risk life and limb, nor would they be overly upset once it ended. This is where I find high school romantic relationships lie.
A relationship in the normal zone, for those inexperienced in that form of care, is lifeless, a money drain, a time drain, and social drain. As I mentioned before, I am an introvert, people exhaust me and I can barely survive a day at school without feeling near the end of the day. Trust me when I say, "I sleep well," because I do, tiredness has nothing to do with it, nor do my classes, it has to do with being around and talking to people, even friends, it drains me of everything. A girlfriend, makes it worse, once you are done with school, you have been automatically prescribed another few hours with your girlfriend especially on Fridays and weekends. That is when the money, time, and social drains really hit, but I also mentioned lifeless. I call a relationship in the normal zone lifeless, as even if I say, "I love you," and I mean it from the bottom of my heart, then hearing it in return there's a ticking in the back of my brain that says, "No you don't," and I am sure I am not the only one. There is a part of me that stings everytime I say, "I love you," because I believe deep down I can't. It's like having my life essence removed when spending time around people and if I love someone, I would have to care for them no matter what they do as a step one, and I can't because I can't care without feeling dead myself, and personally I have too many people who at least lie that they need me around that I would not risk my life and if I'm not risking my life might as well not lose a limb.
I recently was separated from this normal zone with a girl I felt I loved, but I don't know if I did, actually, deep down, I know I didn't, but that isn't something I ever want to truly admit to myself. As much I'd like to say the separation was mutual, it wasn't. She ended it for us, I felt immediately lost. Our "six month anniversary" was six days away and I already had a gift prepared and then it suddenly didn't matter. I was confused and a seemingly endless stream of questions flooded into my mind, "Who's fault was it? Was I just a rebound? Did she ever love me? Did I ever love her? Why aren't I crying? Where did we go wrong? How did this happen?"
The breakup seemed surreal taking place outside her car as I was ready to kiss her goodnight, but was unable at the sound of her, "How do you think we are?" I couldn't answer, because I knew no matter the answer would end this perfect little normal zone. I may seem salty that our relationship ended, and I am, but for some odd reason I cannot bring myself to be angry, sad, or happy, it's all just dull.
My coping mechanism for this has never been ideal, I had been through what I will call a pre-relationship-break-up or in short, rejection. I had coped through it by ignoring them for a couple of weeks and keeping them out of sight and out of mind, until my dull self was finally able to return to what little life I had left in me, but I guess this one was the final straw. No, I am not dead, I have no intention of dying any time soon, as no person in my mind is ever worth that. If it is done it wasn't meant to be, which brings me back around to my dull lifeless self right now, pessimistic yet somehow faking a smile at the ever terrifying world around me; no relationship is ever, "meant to be," there are people in life that can make the world just a little brighter, but they are never meant to be there, because it all ends and reverts anyways causing more pain than if they had never been there in the first place. With each rejection and this breakup, I know it sounds stupid, but my life has lost its embrace of color, it doesn't feel like I can feel anymore and it is likely a result of my coping mechanism not operating properly. I can't not see her as she regularly sits a few feet away from me and there is no dodging her with all of our mutual friends. I guess, for now, I'll sit and wait suffering my monochromatic life alone until the old light disappears or a new light shines in.
