Looks Kill

My Journey

I'm 13 and I'm obsessed with how I look...

I'm obsessed with not only looks, but my body as well.

No, this isn't that story you heard multiple times about anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. This is a story about what I believe is body dysmorphic disorder.

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Ever since I was in elementary school, my family has always been body-conscious with me. My father would constantly monitor what I ate and how much I ate. He monitored how much I exercised and how I looked. At first, it was a drag, I hated it. I thought that those routines would never make it into my lifestyle, but I was wrong. After ten plus years of my family freaking out about how I look, I've finally started thinking like them. And with that mindset, I've started hating myself. Well, not my whole self, but mostly my stomach.

When I was young, getting ready in the morning was impossible. I would throw fits while my mother would desperately try to pick out an outfit that would suit my needs. I would wear something, look down, and see my tummy bulging through it, and freak out. I hated it, but this continued every day.

I've gotten better now. I don't throw fits anymore, but I do still make subconscious decisions around my body. I pick out outfits the day before school, but right before I leave I quickly change because my stomach is poking through or my arms are too fat. I wear almost everything high-waisted. I don't care that it digs into my ribs. I want to feel thin. I constantly think about it, asking questions like, "do I look stupid in this?" "Dude, does my stomach show through this?" and "Hey, do you think I'm fat?" Of course my friends say no to all of these questions, but I can't stop thinking about it. I've tried to be positive about my body, but the cycle never, EVER  stops.

Last summer, was one of the worst times for my self-consciousness. I had a super cute bathing suit top, but I had to get something high-waisted for the bottoms. I did, but it didn't cover it up well-enough. It drove me nuts. Going to waterparks, rivers, and other places where you wore a bathing suit made me feel as if I was obese. Going in public made me obsess over hiding it. Walking around, seeing girls who have flat stomachs and prominent abs made me feel inferior. Even seeing my best friends made me feel self-conscious. "At least you have accurate body proportions," I would say to them. I couldn't stop obsessing over it.

It doesn't help when I see certain things, though. Like going out in public and seeing ads for Victoria Secret, it makes me feel like a failure. Or scrolling through Instagram and seeing models that  say some tea is going to make you feel better about yourself. And just in general, seeing the guys at school fawn over girls who have no body fat makes me feel horrible. 

But ever since then, I've been working really hard, but I'm not seeing any progress. I try to eat as well as I can and I exercise almost every day. I'm one of the healthiest girls in my school, but that doesn't change the way I think. Every time I run, I hold my belly to cover it up. Every time I change in the locker room, I hide in the corner. Every time I where an outfit, it has to be baggy. Every time I'm in public, I always think about it. Every time I'm in front of a mirror, I'm disgusted.

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My family has said I've been looking really good lately. My grandmother always compliments me on my beautiful figure. But I don't believe them. From my prospective, my body isn't changing. But now I've realized that the way I've been thinking is not normal, and I need to change something about that. I'm not like some of the edgy people, the ones who romanticize mental illnesses or self-diagnose themselves. I don't want to be like those people. But I truly do feel like I have body dysmorphic disorder. And I'm going to do something about that.

My annual mental-health-doctor-appointment-thingy is coming up, and I'm going to mention this. And I'm going to try to get help for myself. 

But to anyone who has ever been through what I'm going through right now, I want you to persevere. Actually, to anyone who has ever had any mental disorder or disease, just know that you are not alone. It is a tough journey to be on and to live through. But there are people that can help you. You have options. And lastly, just know that tomorrow is another day and you deserve to have all the happiness in the world.