There She Was

I Never Knew...

I swear, all I wanted for you was the best. I never wanted for this to happen. If only you understood, before that day you waltzed out of our- my apartment, never to be seen again.

At least, that's what I thought.

i

A cold, sunday morning breeze creeps through my window. I notice the leaves on the windowsill, brushing them off. I realize my alarm clock blaring at 7:00 am. I pull myself out of my bed, put on my bathroom slippers. After taking a shower, I cook up some instant noodles. I decide to enjoy them outside the house. I walk out of the maple door and onto the front porch. The suns rays shine onto the floor, illuminating it like a midnight ballroom dance. I sigh, remembering the days I spent with her.

It's been 3 years since I last saw her. The last memory of her I have is when she decided it was enough. The drinking, the all-nighters for work, the cigarette butts on the floor, she decided she had a "business to attend to" I allowed her to go. Not realizing that the long time it took for her to leave was spent packing up whatever possessions she had, picking out a nice outfit of course, and leaving. Before she left, though, she had left a note on the refrigerator that only after I had read, made me realize her "business to attend to."

"Hello, though a good-bye is more appropriate for the situation. I know we spent much time together, ate a lot of food together, watched multiple old episodes of Cowboy Bebop together, et cetera, et cetera. But I have decided that you know what? I think that I pretty much have had enough. I have had enough of having to help you get to bed after drinking with your old highschool friends, and I certainly have had enough of picking up cigarette butts lying on the floor and cleaning up your ashtrays. I'm sorry if this is all too sudden for you, or for the fact that I gave such short notice. None, actually. But please understand that this is for the best of both of our individual lives. If you can't see that, then you shouldn't have bothered wasting your time with me. But I don't want to end this note with a rash statement. I just want to say that, it was a good one that we had, and I hope you'll eventually come to understand the intentions of my sudden actions."

I never gave that letter a second chance for another glance at my eyes.

I started drinking maybe 5 months ago, the smoking soon after that. Even if I knew those were foolish decisions, I still ended up doing so. The resons for which I have not come to fully perceive, however a portion of my mind tells me I didn't deserve her, and therefore getting rid of her required said drinking and smoking. But now that my task has been accomplished, I feel as if it was foolish of me to listen to that small portion of my head. Until now I like to think of that part of my life as "The Past", a part of my life that I wish to put behind me, however it just seems to always crawl back up memory lane and land right before my feet, stopping me from moving onward. If only, if only she was there.

ii

Every morning I go to this rotunda in the city. Sit down near the central fountain, open a notebook, and write. Write my heart out, all my feelings for the past few hours, every detail made sure not to be left out. This I do until either my writing appetite has been satisfied, or I have some unfinished task at home. But this time I didn't bother to bring a notebook. I just sat down and stared at my surroundings. To my left I saw an old woman feeding bread to a bunch of city pigeons. To my right I saw a mother trying to sooth her child in a stroller with some milk. In directly in front of me was a girl. She was wearing a summer hat with a loose shirt, her eyes seemed to prefer staring at a book instead of the group of kids beside her struggling to look over her shoulder to read, snickering while doing so.