Happiness, happiness is what she brings to me. I have nicknamed her Happy even though that is not her true name. I get to see her today at 6:00 pm sharp. It is currently 1 in the afternoon, and I am sitting in my living room waiting for 6 to come. I do not feel good when Happy is not around, in fact, I feel depressed. I turn on my T.V hoping to let it distract me from the thoughts I am having and the way I feel right now. I start to think about my mother's sickness and how she actually might not recover from it. She is the only family member I have left, she is the only one cared about me. My father left when I was young and her mother and father left her long ago because of me. I feel like all the bad things that have ever happened to her are my fault. She did not deserve it. She is the only thing I have left and she might be gone soon. No. I slap myself in the face, trying to erase the current thoughts in my head. I try to think of Happy, how she brightens up my entire day when I see her, how after I see her, a smile cannot leave my face for a long time. After 15 minutes of thinking of Happy, My head changes the subject to my future, which I should already have. I'm a middle aged man living in a 1 bedroom apartment and I act like I am still in college. I start thinking about my kids and ex-wife and how I messed everything up and will probably never seem them ever again. I can barely remember their names for god's sake. I want to see my two kids and Allison again though, I want to create a good stable family who has the greatest times. I have messed that all up though, one drunken night messed up my entire future. I deserved it though, I do not deserve to see the smile on my children's faces or the way Allison used to smile at me when I called her Ali. I do not deserve any of it. I do not even deserve the life I live now. I don't even deserve all those good memories with Allison. I ruined it all. I ruined my future, I will not have a great one now. I do not deserve that though.
After, I had punched Allison in the face and screamed at my 3 year old kids, I do not deserve a second chance to prove them that I might be a good father. I probably would do it again if I was still there though too. That's the horrible part, I feel like I am such a monster and I do not know how to stop it. I bang my head against the wall, to stop my thoughts. I keep thinking 6 pm, 6 pm, 6 pm, I get to see Happy at 6 pm and all of my bad thoughts will disappear. I start to think of my kids again, how they probably think so little of me now, and always will. How I will never get the chance to see them again, no matter how much I really want to. I want to see if Adam still really loves to draw and if Jess still loves to sing her heart out whenever she hears a song she knows. I miss them so much and I will never get to express to Allison or the kids about how sorry I truly am though.
I clench my fists and bang them against my head. It is 5:30, I have to start my walk to Happy's house. As I begin to walk, I look around and see all the happy looks on people's faces. Why can't I be like them? Living, eventful and amazing lives, while I'm sitting here, not even knowing where I am going to be tomorrow. I start thinking of my mother again, which reminds me that I need to call her today. I call her everyday and visit her every 3 days. I did visit her yesterday, she seemed okay. She is a very strong person, I know she will get through it. I call her, ring, ring, ring, voicemail. That's odd, very odd, she usually answers right away, she might be asleep. I call again, ring, ring, ring, voicemail again. I am at Happy's door, my heart is pounding out of my chest. The hospital is calling me, I answer right away. All I hear is "We are sorry to inform you.." before I drop my phone. I knock on Happy's door aggressively. She doesn't answer, I have the key with me but it doesn't seem to work right now. Tears start running down my face and I bust down Happy's door. But, no one is there.
