I'm Afraid

Little Boy

Oh what happened little boy..
Did you drown?
Did you get overwhelmed and flooded with thoughts of disappearing?
Or was their something more?

Did you crave to dig a blade deep into your flesh, carving into yourself like a piece of wood.. or did you want that for someone else?

Jubal, my sweet boy, where did you go?
You're not him anymore.
You're just..

A monster.

Yes.
I'm a monster.
I'm unstable. Insane. Anxiety-ridden.
But mostly I'm afraid.
Did you ever ask to think how I got like this? How I came to become that monster you claim that I am?
Well, I guess you don't have to wonder anymore. It all started from the beginning.

It started when I was a boy. My dad left and I only had my mother. She loved me, of course, but.. After dad left, she didn't have a point. She started drinking heavily.
She'd come home with Jack Daniels or the bitter smell of Jagermeister on her breath. Most nights she'd just forget to feed me or she'd yell at me for sitting. But then there were the bad nights. The ones where she'd throw me and hit me.
The nights where I..
I felt like a toy.
And I liked it.
That pain.
Why?
I don't know.
But from that point on..nothing was right.
She'd leave me home by myself most of the time..so I would grab something sharp and scratch myself with it.
Nothing too deep.
Not yet at least.
Mom would come home..the nights she didn't get wasted off her ass, she was worried for me. She would ask how I got so many scratches. I would tell her I tripped while playing. Or maybe that I accidentally nicked myself drawing with my chalks.
I was only seven, who in their right mind would think a seven year old would be self-inflicting pain on themselves.
But it didn't stop there. I wanted others to feel pain, and I started kill small animals with large shards of booze bottles scattered around the house.
Squirrels, rabbits, chipmunks, birds.
Then bigger.
Cats, Dogs, House Pets.
Then..
After 16 years of death.
I killed a person.
I killed him.
My father.
But I guess you already know that..

Don't you, dad?