The Hagrid || Smut (Or not) Warning

Meeting The Hagrid

Paul Udder.
Lives at home.

So, well, maybe we should begin with a story. A story about me. Or one about you. Or all of us. We live in this universe together, see???
Okay. How should I begin?

Once upon a time.

Once upon a time lived a man. Or a woman.
Let's not go too far into detail.
Anyway, this man was at home. Like most men. Or women. So let's just say "this person". He sat down on a chair. Like most men. Or women.

Picture chaos theory.

All of a sudden, there was a loud knock on the door, which sent vibrations running throughout the room. Paul watched, aghast as a large man with a matted bushy beard and an oversized large jacket stormed in.

"I demand you to leave at once, Sir! You are breaking and entering!" Paul shouted.

The bushy bearded dude stared at him moodily, "Ahhhhh. Me is Hagrid."

The Hagrid dramatically span around, performed a triple backflip, before yelling loudly, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU'RE A FLIPPING WIZARRD PAUL."

That was when Paul's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fainted.

Rol
Rolli
Rolligan
ROLLIGAN!

I woke up in a daze. Well, not really in a daze. More of waking up and the whole world was spinning around me like...
Well, like the whole was spinning around me. You know what I mean.
Anyway, back to the story.
I presumed I was in a hospital; the floors were so perfectly polished they were hurting my eyes. The walls were so white, so completely white, so horribly white.

I woke up again, I had obviously drifted back of to sleep without knowing. Now, I could see the hospital more clearly.

The Hagrid walked into the hospital room to see how Paul was getting on. Paul wasn't doing very well. Paul threw up all over The Hagrid, and puke became stuck into his beard.

"Ahhhhhhh," The Hagrid moaned.

Paul sat up in bed, alarmed.

"Ahhhhhh!" The Hagrid said happily, causing Paul to become even more confused.

The Hagrid then took out his pet sledgehammer from behind his ear, who briefly said, "Ooh 'ello," before the sledgehammer was pushed down into Paul's temple and Paul screamed, blood pouring from a gash in the side of his face.

Ow he said.
Ow I said.
Ow we said.
I got dragged out of my bed and my naked body rolled onto the floor. The Hagrid stared. I think he thought I was a boy.

Anyways, I got up and quickly put my dressing gown on.
The Hagrid was still staring.
Freaky.
After another few minutes of staring, he dragged me out and took me inside my en suite ( I seriously didn't realise people got en suites in hospital, but still ). He looked me up and down and told me he was going to kill me. Great. Just what I wanted.

Then The Hagrid put Paul's naked body over the bath tub and flounced on top of her. Next thing Paul knew, The Hagrid stripped, before jiggling around his ginormous nipples and pentagon.

"Ohhh lalalala, Paulie!" The Hagrid sang over-excitedly, "You have one hooooottttttttt body.... Ahhh lez uz be doing diz."

Suddenly, The Hagrid shoved his large pentagon up Paul's triangle, making dramatic 'ah' noises. Paul was supprised to discover that she rather enjoyed the nice, succulent feeling of a triangular pentagon, and sighed happily.

Now Paul started to get into it to. She rather enjoyed the feeling of his pentagon; kind of slimy but kind of relaxing.
Soon she started feeling. Feeling everywhere. His behind was so squidgey, she just wanted to SSSsssSSSqueezEEEeeeEEE.

Then she realised he was raping her. And then she fell inside the bathtub.

Quickly, she called the nurses and they all came rushing in. To her surprise ( and in a way, kind of relief as she had never had a chance to enjoy the sensation before hand ) they all dropped dead on the floor. She glanced over at Hagrid to see he was holding a wooden stick in his hands and was mouthing the words " Avada Kedavra"...

Fortunately, The Hagrid only killed the female nurses, which may sound sexist, but I don't care.

Before The Hagrid could kill the male nurses, Paul jumped in the way and pointed one of the male nurse's wand at The Hagrid and screamed, "EXPELLIARMUS!" and pictured herself anyplace other than the hospital and BBBBBBAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGG.

The naked Paul apparated into Hogwarts, to a room filled with fainting children, because there was a troll in the dungeon.

Or because she was there.

Perhaps.