Terror's Agony

Prologue-Dean Holster

I am Dean Holster. I'm the unwanted union between my unestablished control and rage itself, and I find it impossible not to share all the things you don't want to hear.

You are nothing but a spineless thought that invades my brain and takes away my remaining sane actions, so why should I care that I'm insulting you? Why do I care that I'm insulting you?

Why do I cringe everytime I call you worthless when I know for a fact that you are?
Why do I care about you no matter what you do to me, or what you take from me, or what you tell me!

Why won't my feelings leave me to care for the few things I still love.
What is it that makes me feel for what should be forgotten, the things that other people forget. Are you the one that forces me to remember? Are you the one that holds my head under as I suffocate from the hatred that you bathe in?

Is that why I'm so different? Is that why I am the single most tortured being in existence? All because I have the feelings that I had no say in getting?

Why are we as human beings given psychological attributes that do nothing to truly benefit ourselves in the world we live in today? We have the renowned instinct known as fight or flight that is almost completely irrelevant to everything human beings should stand for, but what about the increasingly present elephant in the room that speaks mainly to the supposed developed members of society? In this life we are always protecting ourselves from the future, so why are we forced into thoughts that will only lead to supposedly 'necessary' actions? Having a family will only make it harder to support yourself, so why do we do it?

Out of love? Out of happiness, or joy?

Well would you look at that, those are the feelings I was talking about earlier, and like I said before, wouldn't it be much easier if we didn't have those? I mean come on! Why should I care for the leech that crawled into my brain and sucked the joy out of my now incessantly depressing and rage fueled life? If feelings are a do no evil type of thing, why do they cause me all of my insistently growing terrors?

I guess its much easier to count your blessings when they nag at you to count the final seconds of your life.

Hold on a second.

I don't like this, in fact I hate it.

I hate complaining to the one being that caused my never-ending list of complaints. I hate asking questions about things I will never get answers to.

It's fucking pointless! So why do I insist on doing it?

I feel another rant coming on, so keep up and pay close attention.

My name is Dean Holster, and my whole life is pointless.

My name is Dean Holster, and my whole life is pointless.

Your name is... And your life is...

There you go, now your getting it! Your life is pointless! Say it!

You are just a being floating on a rock with billions of other beings. We as one planet don't matter one bit in the grand scheme of things, so you as a single unintelligent human being matter about as much as the soil that you will eventually be buried in. We are all the same meaningless crap at the bottom of the all mighty rulers shoe, why do you kid yourself and say that you're anything more than that? Is it to feel better about yourself?

Why do we want to feel better about ourselves? Why do we want others to feel better about themselves? Here we go again, we've come full circle. Caring, feelings, etc... Why haven't these things been wiped out already!

Maybe we still have feelings to mask the humanity that we've lost. I love how much we've grown as a people. Think back to the good old days when man would kill each other with sticks, now countries threaten to bomb other countries with a weapon that could wipe out life as we know it.
Seems a bit counterproductive don't you think?

When have we ever really been productive, when have we really helped anyone or anything but our own species? With my limited extent of knowledge I'd like to go with the obvious answer and say never.

If we supposedly care so much then why don't we figure out how to actually do something? I'm not even gonna touch base with the whole 'We're destroying our planet' thing but wow, you would really think we at least cared enough to save ourselves, or maybe I care enough to save the whole fucking universe.

How thoughtful of me.