Alive but not living

Being abandoned

My life had completely changed after that day, that fight, that moment between my father and my mother. It seemed unreal, that a father could have done such a thing... I sometimes still wonder if he thinks of me or my mother, of what he had done, but I doubt it though...
I'll tell my own story, and the story of all my trustworthy friends that thanks to them, I survived my journey, our journey, together.

It all happened probably a year ago , I don't even remember that much now, I was so hurt didn't feel much pain at that moment anyways, so my memories are faded. My parents met not long after I was born. My father was an asshole, he used to hit me all the time , and my mother as well. My mother was very sad and depressed all the time, I could see that she wouldn't care if she died , she felt so much pain she got to the point to not feel anything at all... that all left scars behind, on my body and in my mind. I wouldn't self harm myself, why would I do that if my father would do that for me anyways? He was selfish, an asshole, deserved to die. At the time I didn't realize this, and I don't know why... because of my fathers behavior, I became very violent against anyone that made me feel uncomfortable, and I sometimes still do... it destroyed me and my mother... it destroyed us. If my father hated us why was he still with us? Why wouldn't he go away? its like he wanted to stay just to hurt us, for fun, because he was bored. It was like something I couldn't do anything about, I felt so scared, unsecured, confused, full of hate... I felt alone too. My mother would never talk to me, and it's not like she could, because my father would hurt her... I remember perfectly that she would be always shaking of fear... her eye shadow always smudged because of her tears... and her eyes ... full of fear, and probably regret... why didn't I realize at the time? I could have saved her and me, I could have ran away...with her... and now because of not doing that, she's dead. My father killed her after a simple discussion they had... I was so scared and full of anger. I saw my mother get killed by the person I hate the most in this world.

I screamed after the fourth time my father stabbed my mother, which made him stop and stare at me. He suddenly walked towards me and grabbed my neck, half choking me, sliding the knife, without cutting me, along my face while he said to me "don't you dare let a word slide through that fucking mouth of yours about this, or you'll also end up like your mother" I didn't say anything at that moment...I couldn't...

When he let go he grabbed my mother...and put her in a plastic bag...
He then grabbed my wrist and dragged me to his car.
I didn't want to ask where we were going, I couldn't speak. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted to get out of this, life a life, but I couldn't, I was under control of this selfish greedy bastard who didn't give a fuck about anything or anyone, and it's not like he's had a bad life in the past. He was a phycopath... hurting others for pleasure. He was so immature, and blind...
I was so sad at they moment, you couldn't even imagine...the only person I trusted and knew, even though we could never talk, was dead...gone for ever...

When the car stopped, I thought we were at a big garbage place or something, but we weren't. We were in middle of a motorway , in the middle of nowhere, with no cars or gas stations to be found, just desert like hills full of wheatgrass. It was all dark, probably midnight.
He opened the boot were my mother was... and then opened my door, were he pulled me out and threw my mothers dead body on me. He then got in the car, and drove away, leaving me there, in the middle of nowhere, with my dead mother.
Why. Why would he do this. Why would he do such a thing to us, we were innocent... we had the right to live...
It's like he drove off, throwing his Brocken toys behind, to then search for more...
Why did he leave me there to suffer... to die slowly with my dead mother next to me... at that moment, is when I needed her the most...
I was so lost, I had no idea what to do, and for the first time in ages , I cried. I cried for hours realizing how bad my father was, and how I couldn't see that, how I couldn't almost feel anything anymore.
I was realizing everything...it was horrible, and the regret I had, of having the chance to escape with my mother ... I couldn't believe it. I wanted to die, nothing made sense.
I was alive but not living
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Five hours had passed, I was at the the same spot and the sun came up, I felt kinda weird... it was like freedom, with not that many worries...
I sat down and thought to myself, I was feeling so goddamn weird.
I looked around and found a huge tree at the other side of the motorway, which still had no cars. I had no idea were I was.
I walked towards the tree, carrying my mother on my back. The tree was huge , and so beautiful. The leaves were mid sized and darkish green, and the branches looked so strong, but fragile at the same time. I think I've never seen something so beautiful, apart from my mother...
I started to dig and dig next to the tree, with my hands , feet, rocks and stick to then finally make a hole big enough to bury my mother. I put my mother in the hole and then put wheat over my mothers face and wound...and started to shed tears which were falling on my mothers face. A grabbed her head to then kiss her forehead... I started to sob then. After an hour or more I covered her up, and made a circle of stones around her gave.
I sat next to her four hours... probably 7.
I had cried so much I felt dehidrated, and needed water. I got up and looked around. There was nothing I could find, just wheat valleys and stones.
I got worried at that moment, and started to feel dizzy, which made me pass out.

Now, I don't know what happened exactly while I was passed out, but what happened changed my life.

I woke up finding it was night time again. My head was hurting and I couldn't move very well. I started to see lights at the distance, that started to come closer and closer. When my vision wasn't blurry anymore I could see what it was. It was people.
There were three guys, which were drunk, and a woman , which wasn't drunk. They all had half shaved heads or both sides shaved with spikes everywhere on their hair. They wore very messed up clothes that looked really baggy. They were passing by, to then stop and find me, a girl with kinda long hair covered in blood on the floor. The three guys walked very unstably holding each other for support, while the woman, which was probably in her thirties or something with white destroyed hair shaved at one side of the head. She walked up to me , and with a high pitch said, "what happened to you, were ya from?"
I just stared, having no idea how to respond. I finally spoke very low though
"Uum... my father abandoned me here and I've been here for a day and one night. I'm looking for a place with water and possibly food, do you know any place ? Where do you come from?"
The lady stared and responded,
"Well we just came from a hidden festival not far from here , these three got drunk and we decided to get some fresh air out here. This place has got no name, we're away from society and we all live around here. Some of us got abandoned, some ran away and we all live here now, down that valley, were we also do festivals and all. We have water, alcohol and drugs there if you want."
One of the three guys started to shout
"YO HOW OLD ARE YA" with a smile and goofy laugh.
When I told them I was 16 they all screamed at and shouted, and then bursted out a goofy laugh.
"Y'all would you shudup?, your the youngest I know. Come with us you won't survive being out here that long" the woman said wrapping her arms around me while she helped me get up. I realized that she was very short too. She started walking towards The Valley supporting me , but I wriggled out of her arms and fell on the ground saying " I'm sorry but I can't leave , my dead mother is here I can't let her go..."
The woman stared sadly while the guys were making noise saying stuff I didn't understand.
"WOULD Y'ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP?! JEEZ" she said laughing "YOU NOISY SHIT BAGS! Anyways, don't worry, it's not far, you can come over to see her whenever. And don't worry if you think we're going to rape you or anything like that, were against that so cumon' get up" she said while she grabbed me by the hand. I let go and rat towards the tree, to then hug it, " I will be back... sleep well mum" i kissed the floor where my mothers grave was and ran back to the woman. The other guys followed, again walking unstably causing one of them to fall, while the others laughed.
"Oh my god there's nothing that will change them.. it's a good thing I came along with they ey."
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