Far Fetched : 'What If...'

I flopped onto the bed with a deep sigh and let my mind wonder. Somehow I began to think of him. Only him. How he had left, how we had so much fun in such a short space of time. When I finally realized it I couldn't lie to myself. I griped the blankets and covered my head, closed my eyes tightly and curled myself into a ball, "Why?, How?, When?".

These questions constantly circled around my head. I sat up with my head still covered by the blanket and below my voice I slowly whispered, "I...li...like him. Why?".

I stood up and scratched my head as I began to walk around the room. I was never good at handling these kind of situations. My emotions were the only part of me that I couldn't control so I had always tried to avoid any emotional connections.

As I paced back and forth I knew that my feelings had caught up with me and I had no idea what I was supposed to do with them, but one thing was certain, "I can't let anyone know, not now, not yet", I said to myself.

The next day I was late for school, as usual, but managed to squeeze into the biology lesson without much trouble. I spent the rest of the lessons in a loopy daze and as soon as break started my anxiety reached it's limit and I began babbling to Max, accidentally hinting her the reason for my anxiety. Over the following days I tried to stay quiet and not let any more hints come out. I decided on my own that I would suppress how I felt; after all I'd been doing it all my life. All this was done in fear of ruining the friendship that I had with him.

Although I tried to come up with excuses as to why I shouldn't love him (like the fact that he was a year older than me and he'd be leaving for university soon) but all that did not stop me from liking him. Constantly I felt nostalgic about his previous visits to my school, the times we would goof off and his warm hugs; I would always pray to last a little longer. It scared me. 'I always hurt the people I love the most' was a proverb most people could associate with me. I couldn't help but feel like all my demons would be released to destroy the portrait of him that I had in my painted in me. As I laid in bed everyday I let my mind wonder into a land of 'What If' to get even the slightest idea of what it would probably feel like to love and be loved, even if it was only for the shortest while.

It was a beautiful and bright Sunday when I next met him. When I saw him I just stared at him for a moment because I could not believe that he was standing right in front of me. I was happy and somewhat sad that I had to tell him this. I couldn't do it at any other time because I was sure there would never ever be a next time.

"Hie", I started quite awkwardly,"how have you been?"

"Hey , I'm good . What about you?"

I took in some air and let it out before answering.

"Ok I guess"

He looked at me suspiciously, "Why the 'I guess'?", he asked

"N...Nothing", I replied in a low voice; almost a whisper. I stood unsteadily fiddling with my hands, looking around and then shifting my gaze down. My nervous were getting the best of me but I couldn't back down now. My head was a mess and I couldn't think straight.

"Alex?", he said putting his hand on my shoulder (and bringing me back to reality). I stepped backwards and almost fell but he grabbed my hand before I did. "Are you ok?", he asked more concerned

"Uh...uh...yeah", I stuttered trying to sound cheery, "c..come on. Let's go", I said to him before I started running. As I ran I was trying to pull my self together, at the same time I could hear his voice calling out to me as he followed behind.

"Alex, wait up", but I didn't stop.

I got to the rooftop of the old building and only then did I realize that I was out of breath. The gentle breeze that blew helped calm my mind and I felt better.

I was then brought back to the current situation when I heard his voice call me. "Alex", I quickly turned around and saw him panting harder than I was

"Wow, You ran so fast", he said before standing up straight.

"Oh, sorry I didn't realize."

"It's Ok", he said as he sighed with a smile.

He took a couple of steps towards me and suddenly a sad happiness came over me.

"So why are we here?", he asked. My voice lowered and I looked down.

"Uh.. I need to tell you something", I replied.

"0k what is it?", he asked and for the first time in my life I was overwhelmed and my heart was pounding .

"I'm...I'm moving", I started

"Oh where to?", he asked facing the over view of the roof .

"Out...of the country"

"Really", he said seemingly interested, "Which country? Are you moving to", he added.

"Au...A...Australia"

"Wow", he exclaimed, "Well that sounds nice, I'm happy for you."

He was about to say something else when he looked at me and his expression was filled with shock.

"Alex", he said, "Why are you crying?" I hadn't even noticed the tears streaming down my face until he mentioned it. I tried to wipe them away but they wouldn't stop coming out.

"What's going on?, What's wrong with me?" I asked myself as I saw the tears drop to the floor. Suddenly I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me securely.

"It's Ok", he whispered.

"No it's not", I cried, my face buried in his chest,"I'm sorry", I started, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm sor..."

"Hey, hey, hey", he said stopping me.

"It's Ok, I'm here so just tell me what it is you didn't mean to do", he asked softly. I gripped my hands tightly and with all the energy I could summon I answered in a low trembling voice as I cried.

"I...I...I...like you...and I'm sorry...We're friends and...I didn't mean to fall for you", I couldn't do anything else except wait to be rejected. He took in a deep breath in and out.

"No", he said, "Don't be. I should have said something sooner." I looked up at him with a tear drenched face.

"Huh", I managed. He looked at me and wiped the tears from my cheek .

"I like you, Alex. I have for a long time now." The words he said at that moment filled my head. He took my face in his hands, drew his face closer to mine and gently kissed me on the lips. I couldn't believe what was happening. It felt like I was floating. I felt the cool breeze blowing again as I stood silently, wrapped in his arms, letting the time waste away.

Always, at that moment, I wake up to a tear drenched pillow. A heart tired from wondering in a land of 'What If'. I had always wanted to live a life with no regrets, but I realized that for me it would no longer be possible. Even though it's been a year since my family and I moved to Australia and I'm a thousand miles away from him I still feel nostalgic, yearning for those moments that we spent together, wishing that they had been longer and wishing that I had known. Now, in rue I ask myself.

"When did I start dreaming?"

"Am I still dreaming?"

"When will I wake up from my heartbreaking world, in the land of 'What If ' ?"

THE END