At the bus stop. Boys School day, school day, teacher's golden ru... Kyle Broflovski Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again. Ike Broflovski Zeeponaner. Kyle Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike Chortles.] Eric Cartman Yeah, go home you little dildo! Kyle Dude, don't call my brother a dildo! Stan Marsh What's a dildo? Kyle Well, I don't know...[He faces Cartman and points at him.] and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either! Cartman I know what it means! Kyle Well, what? Cartman I'm not telling you. Stan What's a dildo, Kenny? Kenny McCormick (It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina.) [The others laugh.] Cartman He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down.] Ow! [Ike Laughs.] Stan Dude, that kicks ass! Kyle Yeah, check this one out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby! Ike Don't kick the baby. Kyle Kick the baby. He kicks Ike like a football, who lands, knocking down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns. Stan Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. Cartman That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares. Kyle Really? What about? Cartman Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... The dream sequence begins. Cartman ...in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. Through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in. Cartman Then slowly my bedroom door began to open... [A Visitor peeks inside.] Cartman ...and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway. Cartman Weeaak! Cartman Then I was lying on a table... Cartman is laying face down, Visitors lower his pajamas. Cartman ...and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes. Stan Dude! Visitors! Kyle Totally! Cartman What? Stan That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were Visitors! Cartman No, it was just a dream, my mom said so. Stan Visitors are real. Kyle Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows. Cartman Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working. Chef [Drives up and gets out of the car.] Hello there, children. Boys Hey, Chef. Stan What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef? Chef Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley. Cartman Kick ass. Chef Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night? Cartman [Surprised.] Huh? Kyle Yeah, fat boy saw it! Cartman Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned! Chef Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes? Cartman Oh! Stan They took him on their ship. Chef Oh! [Quietly.] Did they give you an anal probe? Cartman Oh! Kyle What's an anal probe? Chef That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt. Kyle Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman? Cartman No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that? Stan Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass! Cartman No! Ike Eneh probe. Cartman Shut up, dildo! Chef Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control. Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of a Visitor on his shirt with the word "Believe" written under it. Cartman goes catatonic as Chef drives off. Cartman Oh! Kyle We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass. Cartman God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream! They start to file onto the bus. Kyle Why you walkin' so funny Cartman? Cartman Shut up! Ike [Waddles by.] Oh foonuh bebe. Kyle No, Ike, go home. Ike Eeeeee! Kyle This is it. This one's for the game. Ike Purplor. Kyle Kick the baby! He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out the window on the other side. On the bus. Stan Good morning, Miss Crabtree. Ms. Veronica Crabtree Sit down! We're runnin' late! The bus pulls away, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking out the back window at him. Kyle Damn it, he's still there. Stan Oh, don't worry about him. Kyle No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me. Ms. Crabtree Sit down back there! Arrrggghhh!! Stan Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch. Ms. Crabtree What did you say!? Stan I said I have a bad itch. Ms. Crabtree Oh. Kyle [Gasps.] Oh, my God! Two Visitors are holding Ike between them Stan [Turning to see.] Visitors! Kenny (Oh nooo!) Kyle Ike! [Kyle runs to the front of the bus.] Stop the bus! Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus! Ms. Crabtree Do you want an office referral!? Kyle No. Ms. Crabtree Then sit down! Kyle But I... Ms. Crabtree Arrgghhh! Kyle Arrghh! Kyle, Ms. Crabtree Arrrggghhh! Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word. Stan Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw? Cartman Shut up you guys, it's not working. Kyle We have to do something! Stan Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us. Ms. Crabtree What did you say!? Stan Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce. Ms. Crabtree Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do. she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus. Kyle What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts.] You farted. [They laugh.] Cartman Heh, somebody's baking brownies. Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then zooms away. Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow. Farmer Carl Denkins That's the third cow this month. At this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through. The cows moo questioningly. Officer Barbrady This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time. The cows shake their heads. Farmer Carl People been saying they've been seeing UFO's around. Officer Barbrady UFO's? [Laughs.] Farmer Carl Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks. Officer Barbrady That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. Helicopters fly by above him. Farmer Carl What was that? Officer Barbrady That, that was a pigeon. Farmer Carl What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one? The cows notice something and raise their heads. One Visitor waves a piece of hay and whistles. The cows start running away from them. Farmer Carl Hey! My cattle! The "Cattle Ranch" sign falls down. Farmer Carl You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on! Officer Barbrady There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back. Mr. Garrison's class. Mr. Herbert Garrison And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus. Mr. Hat That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492 Columbus started a restaurant...[He is drowned out by Kyle's voice.] Kyle [Whispering.] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?" Stan [Whispering.] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him. Kyle [His voice is rising to an audible level.] "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?" Stan Dude! Mr. Garrison Is there a problem, boys? Kyle Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now. Mr. Garrison Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor? Kyle No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Silence.] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe. Cartman [Embarrassed.] Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh. Kyle [Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class? Mr. Garrison I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat? Kyle I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you! Mr. Garrison Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat. Kyle Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class? Mr. Hat Well, Kyle, no!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! Mr. Garrison Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle. Kyle Damn it! Cartman Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you. Cartman farts fire. Poor Pip is stunned. Cartman Ow! My ass! The class gasps. Kyle Dude! Stan Damn, Cartman! Cartman [Cartman farts fire again.] Uh... Ow! My ass! Kyle Dude, he's farting fire! Stan It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum! Cartman No, that was just a dream. Mr. Garrison Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control? Cartman No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine. Cartman farts fire again, setting Pip aflame. Pip runs around the room on fire. Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town. Train Conductor Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows. The cows are all staring at the conductor. Train Conductor No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work. Officer Barbrady [Drives by with his lights flashing.] Hold it right there, cows! Cows split up and run off mooing. Officer Barbrady Come back here! Now then! [He pursues them.] Cafeteria Kid So then I had bad, bad gas. Jason Ya, seriously, killer. Cartman [Cartman farts fire.] Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry. Stan How can you eat when you're farting fire? Cartman Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature. Kyle Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger. Stan [Gasps.] Where? He finds himself looking right at her. An epiphany plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear Cartman [Singing.] Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger. Stan Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her! Cartman I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you. Stan I do not! Wendy Testaburger Hi, guys. Kyle, Cartman Hi, Wendy. Wendy Here, Stan. This is for you. [Wendy hands Stan a note.] Stan Bleech! Wendy Eww! [She leaves.] Kyle, Cartman [Their eyes follow her out.] Bye, Wendy. Kyle Dude, what does the note say? Stan [He glances at it.] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school. A look of wonder comes over his face. Kyle Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her. Cartman Or slip her the tongue. Kenny (Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.) Stan [That gets his attention.] What? How do you know she has a cat? Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant. Kyle Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back. The cafeteria kitchen. Chef stands behind the counter, ready to serve food. The boys enter. Chef Hello there, children. Boys Hey, Chef. Chef How are you doing? Kyle Bad. Chef Why bad? Kyle Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you? Chef Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.
