''I'm going to the supermarket, maybe buy some ice cream" I say to my dad and he looks at me with those cold blue eyes.
''alright, bye'' I give him a last fake smile and walk trough the door.
Its cold, cold as my thoughts, cold as his hands on my body.
cold as always.
I can do this,
I've planned this for so long
I put in my earphones and listen to the first song in the playlist
the playlist
The playlist I made for this day, so I could remember all those memories, it's in chronical order. So I can kinda relive my life.
as if that's what I want
The memories from my terrible childhood to my terrible puberty flash inside my messed up mind; but these songs kept me up, were the little light at the end of the tunnel
but they weren't enough
The walk to the trainstation is gonna be long, but its gonna be the best goddamn walk ever
I shiver as the cold november air tickles my jacketless arms.
should've brought it
while the songs keep playing, the memories keep flashing. some good most of them really bad
I sing along with a nice lyric and smile at some old woman passing me.
''you dont deserve to live''
"you're waisting our precious air"
The thought of all the times I've been bullied come along with a song and I try to push them away but I can't
I obviously can't
next song
A memory of my lovely lovely grandma giving me a necklace for christmas.
A memory of my lovely lovely grandma laying in a cold coffin.
then, after a while, I'm standing near the station
I look at the time
14 minutes until the next train is coming, I dont really care where it goes
I think of the paper I left on my desk, how sorry I am for my family (the few that cared) and how sorry I am for the people in the train and how I hope everybody would just live their lives without me.
I was a problem kid anyways.
5 minutes passed with these thoughts whirling around in my head
fuck
I can't waist a minute now
I grab my phone and go the gallery.
I look at all the photos I saved, and try to smile, it's not really working. But I do really feel some happiness rushing through my veins.
2 minutes
My heart skips several beats when I walk to the rail.
1 minute
I look around me, not many people are waiting. 4 or 5, maybe 6
yeah who's gonna take a train to god knows where at 10:30pm
The sky is dark but has color and life and love and
maybe I'm just crazy
looks like it's smiling at me.
like a hand reaching out, a touch of love, a "don't worry I'm here now"
And in this particular moment I feel happy, finally happy. I don't have to fight anymore. I can finally take a breath
then I jump
