365 Days of Random

January

[ DAY 1 ]

New year. New you, right? I'm guessing no. That's fine. It means you care too little for yourself. Get up and do something productive. I don't know. I'm not your boss. When did this become a daily inspiration eBook? F**k, who knows?

It's the first day of a new year. It's not surprising you're already planning the year but at the back of your head, you know that this year is gonna be utter rubbish.

[ DAY 2 ]

It's the second day. I need to stop reminding you how many days that have passed. I'm not a calendar and you're old enough to know what day it is, right? Hopefully. You're independent, you smart, you loyal, you grapefruit. Grapefruit* Darn Autocorrect. Man, I'm starting to feel hopeless.

It's the second day and I'm already cutting short on jokes, great.

[ DAY 3 ]

"Embracing change and living with it is a sign of maturity" said no one ever. Who said I...I mean WE are mature? You chose to read this, so I'm guessing you're weird like me. You special snowflake. It's the beginning of the year, so you got lots of time to change. Time to wipe those Dorito crumbs out of your face and put on a fake smile to make people think you're happy but you're actually dying inside so you feed on the internet to fill your insecurities. Are you like that? No? I guess I'm the only one then. Man, this is depressing.

[ DAY 4 ]

You probably want to screw female dogs and acquire currency. But in reality, you're reading this stupid eBook. Nice job. I hope you're proud and notice my totally obvious sarcasm. A round of applause for you sir/ma'am/gay/lesbian/I DON'T F****NG KNOW.

I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you what you SHOULD do. But, why follow my advice? I'm just a being from an eBook.

[ DAY 5 ]

My jokes aren't funny. I know. But a joke a day keeps the depression away, so basically, I'm the equivalent of cheap anti-depressant meds. I am mentally f***ed up. I'm not sure though. I haven't checked up on a doctor. I should probably get help. OH GOD! OH MY VEGGIES! F**K MY A**

I'm wondering what the average IQ of the people reading this is. Probably 7. Hey! looks like you completed the tutorial. Congratulations, nobody cares. Stop smiling, I knew you did.

[ DAY 6 ]

HEY! I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY, BUT HERES MY NUMBER. SO, DON'T CALL ME. Please don't. It's weird. You're weird. How the hell did you get my number? Stalker!

Now, do you know how to cook? I guess not. Shut up. I know you don't. Start learning how to cook so you won't be a bony skeleton. Unless your weight exceeds the current healthy weight then consider starving. Don't do what I tell you though. That'll make you retarted.

[ DAY 7 ] 

Wait, what?! It's already Day 7? It's already been a week. Man, time moves so slow when you're stupid and depressed. Let's celebrate your 1st week of reading this eBook. A cookie will be your reward. A rotten, disgusting, green, cookie.

Let's do the yippity-yappity dance. Woooooo. I need to stop. This is going to give me an aneurysm. Go along with your "wonderful" day without me.

[ DAY 8 ]

HEY! Slow down, You're making me run out of unfunny jokes to tell. What are you going to do today? Mate with a hamster? Look at memes? Eat something?