Changing | SM

Part 51: saying the words

Shawn:

I had to go to Adriana.
I need to make sure she's okay and I need to be there for her.

I was surprised though, that her dad apologized for what happend that last time we actually met. He asked me to take good care of her, no matter when, no matter where, no matter what. And obviously I will.

I love her, I just haven't told her yet.
I don't know how to actually.

It's been so long since I said those words to someone I truly love, I forgot how to. The anxiety and nerves I get when the words pop up in my head and lies down on the tip of my tongue.
I need to say it, but I hold myself back.

-

I woke up after a while, seeing it's already been two hours since I've been here. She's still asleep, but I don't want to wake her up.
She needs to rest, get better.

I slowly pulled out of her embrace, walking around in her room to stretch out. 'Home' I read the heading of a big poster on her desk. She started designing how we'll revamp the cabin.
I smiled, seeing everything she worte down, the pictures she sticked in the different rooms. The colours, decor and furniture.
She has it all planned out. And I love it too.

"Hey. You're still here." Her weak voice filled my ears and I jumped back on to the bed. She smiled as I crawled up to her before lying down again. "Of course. I'm not going anywhere." "Good." She cupped my cheek, playing with a small piece of hair at the nape of my neck, keeping her eyes locked on mine.
"I seriously want to kiss you, but I don't want to get you si-" I cut her off by crashing my lips to hers. I don't care if I'll get sick, I just want to kiss her too. "No. Please, I don't want to get you sick." She chuckled, turning it to a cough and I help her sat up so she can get it all out.

"I'm sorry." She sighed. "For what?" I looked at her with my eyebrows furrowed together. What can she possibly be sorry for? "Not being able to have fun, kiss you, go out. Do anything." She laughed softly, putting her hair up in a messy bun.
"I uhm- I saw your design on the desk." I stood up, gathering everything on her desk and placing it down in front of her.

"Yeah. With the time I had in my room, being sick, I sort of put my image and thoughts in my head down on paper. Is it too much?" "What? No! It's perfect. I really like it." I admired it all again, every room, and even her.
The way she looks at her work, how she explains to me everything that's going on in the design and how we can do what... her eyes light up and she looks so happy.

"What do you want to do?"
"Anything. As long as it's with you."

Her cheeks turned red as she took my hand in hers. There was music playing in her room to create a vibe of relaxation and pure love. It was romantic in a way. "Ooh wait, this is a nice song." I pulled her back after she stood up to put the poster back on her desk. I placed my hands down on her waist as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Can we just get lost, in this moment where everything is perfect." She rested her head on my chest as she whispered these words.

"Shawn?"
"Yes?"
She looked up at me, a half sad expression on her face and confusion dwelling in her eyes. "What's wrong?" I tightened my grip around her to keep her close as we still swayed to the rhythm of the song. "Why don't you ever say that you love me?" She whispered.

My heart started pounding in my chest and I was at a loss of words. What should I say? I can say it but I-I don't know how to.
"I'm uh- I'm just waiting for the right moment?" I said more like a question.
"And that moment never came?" Sadness is overtaking her because she's starting to think that I don't love her. "No. Not yet?" I sighed.

"It's seriously not that I don't love you Adriana. I just, I don't know how to say it. It's been so long since I've said the words and to say them I have to really mean them." She pulled away. "No, that's not the way it should've came out. I-"
"Just stop Shawn. What do you mean by you have to really mean it? Are you just using me?" Her voice broke again from her illness.

"No!" I raised my voice, seeing fear awakening in her eyes as she took another small step away from me. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and slowly letting it out.
We're still not perfect together, but I do love her.

"I love you Adriana Kendrick. More than words can deacribe, more than there are stars in the sky or blood in my veins. No mind can ever comprehend how much I love you, how much you mean to me. It's hard to say that because I've been hurt so much, so deeply and so badly that I'm afraid of saying the words and getting hurt again. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, and I'll break every bone in my body, I'll fight every war and kill every man to protect you and your heart..." I walked closer to her.

The small sparkle now returned to her eyes but the tears were still present. She's touched by what I'm saying and I didn't even knew these words were in me. I didn't even knew I was capable of expressing this to her.

"I love you. And I want the world to know that you're mine." I whispered the last sentence to her as I cupped her cheeks. "I love you too." I kissed her again, but she pulled away quickly because she's sick.

I did it, I told her.