happy-less

Nightmare I

My heart was pounding, triple the normal heart rate. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Cmon Lauren please, you can do it. Just breathe. 

Bellow me was plain nothingness. I opened my eyes looking around, but it was a matter of seconds before I had to shut them again. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Everything in sight was grey, brown, or black. It was like one of those romance movies my mom watches on tv on Saturday nights. She'd come back from work since she works six days a week on the night shift. The next thing she'd do is get into her fuzzy pink pajamas and lay on the couch, turning on the tv to see what new sad romance was on. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

I refocused on what was going on in front of me. I felt the ground below me shake and rumble. Unsteadily, I tried to stand up. The ground shook again, and this time I stumbled on to the ground. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

My body took control of me, I didn't know what was happening to me. These dreams have been going on for months now, I've even tried to avoid sleeping so I wouldn't need to face them, but it is human nature to get tired after days of staying awake. 

I clawed my short nails into the dark stone ground below me, praying to every god I've known. Please, if anyone can hear me, save me. I'll do anything, help. 

Breathe in, breathe out.

My insides starting burning again as I felt another anxiety attack come along. Oh no, no no no. Not right now, this can't be happening. 

I pulled myself up, getting on my knees to stable myself. It was just one enormous staired rock. Beneath me, all I could see was nothingness, void, a black hole. It was just me trying to hold on to this ground, and the blackness surrounding me, trying to eat me alive. 

Breathe in, this isn't working. Breathing isn't working anymore. I wiped the sweat away, as my body took control of me again. 

I stood up on the ground, as stable as I've ever been. I got closer to the edge, peering down at what was below me. Except there was one problem, this wasn't me. My body controlled me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

This strange frightening dreams always ended with the same thing, and I knew exactly how it would turn out this time. 

It's just a dream Lauren, it's just a dream. Just do it, you won't actually die. Although I tried telling myself this, how could I be sure? What if this isn't a dream? What if it's just my mental conscious trying to get me to think it's a dream. 

I looked down one more time before I closed my eyes. I stepped forward a couple of times. 

Step. Step. Step.

When was it going to happen? 

Step. Step. St- 

It's happening. 

I fell forward into the void below me, and just before I was to open my eyes, I found myself back in my bed. 

It was early morning. My blanket was on the floor and my pillow on top of my face, covering my nose. Would that explain why I couldn't breathe? Probably. 

I jumped off the bed only to realize how much sweat the dream caused. I pulled off my long, oversized pajamas and looked in the mirror. Before I got into the shower, I stood there for a while debating how long I'd need to starve myself for before I could finally be perfect like the other girls. 

I unclipped my bra and got into the shower. It was way too hot under the bedsheets, so a cold shower was all I needed at the moment. 

I felt the fast drops of icy-water fall on my skin. Drop by drop they all drowned me, one by one. I tried to finish washing up as fast as I could so I wouldn't be late. Late for what? My date. Yes, you heard that right. Lauren? This fat ugly retarded Lauren? A boyfriend? Yes, well, in fact, a five-year boyfriend. 

Max asked me out in freshman year two months into the school year. Since then, we've been that happy couple that when reminded of, a person would be like "damnnnnnn, they're still together?" Yeah, we're those guys. 

I got out of the shower and wrapped the rough blue towel around me as I was about to get ready for the date. 

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