I was snatched from my slumber by the annoying buzzing of my alarm. I groan and roll over onto my side Suddenly it hurts to even lay there. My hipbones now protrude almost popping out and ripping my skin. Note to self...that's where the bruises on my hips came from. I move my gross arm delicately as if I make one false move my arm will become even larger. In one brisk motion I throw my duvet off of my body. The blanket was the only thing hiding my 'small' frame. I'm so tired it hurts to keep my eyes open. I know today is going to be the day I'll finally explode. I've held in so much aggression for over the past week,all of the thoughts zip and zoomed through my diseased brain. I stand up and suddenly feel light headed my heart starts to hurt and the beat becomes shallow and slow. To me it isn't much of a concern,I'm used to everything. The joys of having anorexia include but are not limited to,Low heart rate,bruising,awful hunger pains,anger/outbursts and constipation...oh and don't forget hating your body with every fiber of your being. I walk over to my closet and choose my outfit for the day. My yellow sweatshirt with an abundance of cacti all over it,a pair of dark washed ripped jeans and my white and black adidas.
Now that I'm dressed for the day and decide that I don't look completely repulsive,I head to my bathroom to put on some makeup. I stare at an unrecognizable girl. This frail girl looks like she's tired and dying trapped in her small bone cage,she's washed out and she looks sad...that girl is me.
Emily Renee Campbell,born on April 5th 2001,11:11 pm to be exact.
My mother Sarah's 11:11 wish was to get me the hell out of her uterus and stop ripping her apart. I wish I wouldn't have been born at all...but somehow I get the feeling I'm meant to do something...something important.
I open my makeup bag and pull out my favorite eyeshadow palette,it's the 'too faced' brand chocolate bar palette.
My mom got it for me and my sister Jenna to share. I use naturals shades to get the 'no makeup look'. After I apply my eyeshadow in a way I deem to be perfect,I get my favorite black eyeliner and flick my wrist obtaining the perfect cat eye. I still look dead and ugly...I apply my 'Better than sex' mascara to my lengthy black lashes. My look is almost complete,I apply cream concealer and bake my face. Then I line my lips and brush on my 'Sexy Mother Pucker' gloss from Soap & Glory,a company I love! They have the most wonderful names and packaging all pink and not to mention retro. I pull my light brown hair with honey streaks into a messy bun that looks pretty decent. Now it's time for themostimportantmealoftheday...servi-ng it up Gary's way. Gary my dad whips up eggs for the whole family,made to how we like it. I always have scrambled egg whites with pepper and salt,turkey bacon and orange juice. Lately I've been forced to eat breakfast because "I need to eat". My sister Jenna always has an egg white omelette with sausage and Colby jack cheese and mushrooms with chives. Honestly I don't get how she does it...omelets are gross in my opinion. I don't mix food,hell I barley eat anything anyway. My brother drake eats a meaty omelette with ham and cheese and salami with bacon and sausage...talk about overkill. He has bacon and sausage on the side with grape juice and toast. How does he eat all that food and stay so skinny...I don't get it. I sit down to the table for a "nutritious family breakfast".
My therapist Margot told my family To implement family meals when they can they can to observe my eating habits...it's a load of shit. My sister Jenna looks at me from across the birch table. She stabs a piece of her omelette and lifts it to her plump pink lips chewing slowly. "Oh my god this omelette is so good...doesn't it smell great Emily?" She swallows her omelette subsequently to chewing with her mouth open. The smell makes me feel sick,but I gave her a simple "yeah it smells delicious!" She gives me a weak smile,her blue eyes lose their sparkle in an instant and her smile falls off of her perfect face...she knows I'm lying. We're opposites essentially,only born one year apart. She has blonde hair and blue eyes and full lips and perfect eyebrows. I was born with brown hair and hazel eyes with thin lips. She was always taller than me,she towered over me at 5'7 while I was only 5'1 and a half. My dad yells upstairs to mom and my lazy brother. Drake comes running down the stairs like a stampeding elephant, while Mom walks quietly behind him. Dad puts a large blue plate in front of me,it has scrambled egg whites = 20 , turkey bacon = 40 for 2 strips , and an English muffin with butter and strawberry cream cheese = 110 for the muffin and 40 calories for the cream cheese. The total comes to a whopping 210 calories! I smell everything...the scent sneaks into my nose...I don't want it to but it smells too good. I'm scared I'll give in and break my fast...I've been going strong 3 whole days...72 hours in...the weakness hits me. I end up lifting a fork full of egg whites to my thin lips. Chew...Chew...Chew...Swallow.
The warm eggs slide down my throat,I missed the feeling of eating. I just wish I could eat without feeling guilty like my brother or sister. What went wrong with me? The sick child...that's me. My siblings are healthy happy and attractive where as I look like a monster born to scare off the whole male population and any potential friends. I am disgusted with myself as I take a large bite of my turkey bacon.
I can't stop eating I gobble the whole plate down over the span of what feels like less than 5 minuets. I cringe as I hear myself ask for seconds...which they gladly give me. They will do anything to try and get their 'sick' daughter to 'eat'. As I get a second plate I watch my brother eat his omelette and potatoes he shovels it in so quickly it's as if his fork wasn't big enough.
Maybe he should use a forklift instead.
Mom and dad sit next to each other in their pajamas eating boiled eggs,French toast and potatoes.
The clock strikes 7:30 I roll my eyes at it...time for school. I dread this time of day more than anything I believe school is my own personal hell come to life. Before I was sick I loved school my grades couldn't be better and I was a tad more social than I am now.
I want to ask to stay at home pretending to be sick but it's no use I've missed too much school. It looks like I'm going to hell today. Today is October 1st,I'm officially one month into school. Only 8 more months...hahahahaha that's too flipping long. I'll probably be dead by June. Jenna,Drake,and I pile into my dads white Jeep and drive to the place that oppresses us and strips us of any and all individuality. I get out of the car first and scurry to my best friend Rachel. she's too cool to hang out with me but she likes me for some odd reason. Rachel and I have been friends for 8 years,she's always been by my side. Through heartbreak, slipping grades...even zits and awkward stages Rachel was there. She talks to me as we walk inside,I'm so great full that she tolerates me and doesn't regret my existence.
