I'm sure you all know what happened. One minute he's smiling and laughing, living his life in the spotlight of the stage, a star... and the nest he's a star of the sky.
Aren't we all lost stars? Aren't we all looking for happiness? Haven't we all had to be lost to find our way? I guess so.
You never can really tell how much pain is inside of someone's heart. Smiles can hide so much. Too much.
Why can't people be see through? Why can't they say how that feel? I wish I could ask these things but I can't. Because I know firsthand how hard it can be.
Before yesterday I hadn't even looked into his name. I hadn't ever let a whole song play without hitting skip.
So why am I so affected by his death?
I've been asking myself the same question all day and all night and now again. Why do I care so much? Why have I shed tears? Why does my heart feel impacted?
That I can't tell you.
Maybe it's because I saw in him what I've looked so hard for. Maybe it's because he reminded me so much of the ones I love. The ones I couldn't live without. The ones that give me a reason to smile, a reason to laugh, a reason to live.
The circumstances are too alike. Male, idol, boy group member. The words scared me.
I could feel the pain of the shawols. Just thinking about a BTS member just leaving me like that was enough to break my heart. I can only imagine the pain the fans are feeling.
Having your world ripped from you must be hard. Your angel really is an angel now. And I'm sorry.
It's hard to think that he was in so much pain and nobody had any clue.
I want to get angry at him for leaving so much behind. His family. I can see them now huddled in bed sheets. I can hear his band members cries if I'm alone for long enough. I can feel the shawols pain if I breathe.
All he really wanted was to be told he did a good job, so JongHyun, you did amazing. Nobody is upset with you. The tears aren't because we're disappointed in you, it's because we're so proud of you for being so strong. I just wish you would've realized that you had so many people who love you waiting to listen.
Writing this I think I've found the answer to my never ending question.
I care because I see myself. I see me before I began. I see my sad past self in you.
I can't be mad. I'd be with you if I hadn't found my purpose. But I did. And so many others found their purpose within you. I just pray that they're ok. I hope they can live happily. I hope that they can move on and be happy again. I hope your in their hearts and not their heads.
But you know what's the craziest thing of all? The sky is still blue. The sun is still shining. The stars were so bright last night. The trees are still green. The leaves are still dancing in the wind.
At first I was angry. Angry that the world could be so beautiful during such tragedy. Angry that everything was the same as if nothing had happened.
I realized that that's why the world is beautiful. Because it keeps going no matter what. It falters for no one. We could all learn a thing or two from it.
So everyone reading this, don't let the dark drag you under ok? He'd want you to live in the light like he never could.
Fuck editing
