The Diary

Dec.25, 1996

Journie,

Today’s my due date. Merry Christmas!  Later, we’ll be going to the hospital. I’m excited to see my? No, OUR twins. I wish they’ll be healthy. They are my priceless gift for my other half. I hope he’ll love them more than we love each other and ourselves. I am really blessed to be their mom… God, if this isn’t too much to ask for please let me hear their cries. Please give me some more time to be with them.

-Cassie

Tears began to slowly fall on my cheeks. I was reading my mom’s diary again. It was her last entry before she fell asleep on that white hospital bed with life-supporting machines in order to lengthen her life. Dad told us how brave mom was to even face death without fear and hesitation.

“Dad! Milky’s on it again. She’s crying non-stop.”

I heard my older twin brother report to our father. Ever since, he was the villain in my life. He loves picking on me every time he gets the chance. He liked it so much when he sees me crying.  But I love him so much. I understood his way of showing his love to me.

We grew up without a mom, physically. But there were times that I felt mom was just around…somewhere out there looking at us, guiding us, and loving the three of us. I still remember clearly, I was in my 1st grade back then and so frightened to attend school. I had a dream about her. I dream of her walking with me in the school grounds, children, parents and teachers watching us intently. I even heard them gasp and say that my mom and I were like fairy-gods. She wore a white-silvery and feathery gown and on her head was a beautiful crown of pink roses while I was in my school uniform. When I woke up the next day I saw three petals of pink roses beside my pillow. Up to this date I am very certain that mom had left those petals. From then I was never afraid to go to school. I was very confident that I can ace everything in school. I had the confidence and beauty of a fairy-god. Then when Kuya Miel and I were on our seventh grade, Kuya Miel almost got hit by a furious car outside the village. All thanks to a young lady with her scarf almost covering her face, he only got minor bruises and scars. At that time I was just standing at the other side of the road, my body got frozen I couldn’t move an inch. Then when I realized that I have to go to my brother and ask for help, I ran hurriedly close to him but the lady wasn’t there anymore. I was very certain that a lady saved my brother’s life. And as for my brother, when he woke up in the hospital he told me and dad that he saw mom saved him. She even told him to be careful and of how she loves and misses us that she would always be there for us every time.

Growing up without a mother, in my case as a daughter, is very much troublesome. I am now turning 16 and in the past three years it was a bit difficult welcoming puberty. Since we live far from our relatives and especially our grandparents, the three of us lived all by ourselves with our Nanay Lita, the greatest nanny ever. Nanay Lita, a very loving and patient old-maid, served as our mom since we were five. If not for her I don’t know how I may be able to survive the difficulties of living without a mother and the troubles of living with a child-hearted yet very handsome single dad. My mind can still recall those times when Nanay Lita was sick, on leave, or on vacation and I was left with two guys in the house. The house would be quite messy, I couldn’t style my hair, I wore a not so ironed uniform, my baon in school would be just sandwich without filling and sometimes without juice or even water, and we would eat at the fast food chains or restaurants or order for deliveries. Those times my only consolation was the rose petals I stored in the treasure box. That reminded me always that I may neither see her nor feel her she’ll be right by my side when I feel like no one is there for me.

“Milky,” I felt someone tap my shoulder, “Go home and rest for a while first. Ako naman ang magbabantay kay Dad.” My twin brother helped me get up of the chair near my dad’s bed. Tears were still streaming down my face.

“He’ll wake up naman kuya, right?” my voice was a little shaky.

“Of course he will. Mom won’t let him enter heaven yet,” he assured me.

I wiped my tears away as we walked out of dad’s room. I saw Nanay Lita sitting near the assistance desk of the hospital with dad’s parents. They saw us and hugged us tight. My grannyma was crying and my grannypa was holding his shoulder while walking towards dad’s room. I, myself, couldn’t believe that we were stocked in this hospital in a snap of a finger.

Just yesterday, we were happy having our vacation in the highlands, then because of me--- because of my brat attitude--- because of me--- because of me--- we met an accident and got dad into this big trouble. It was my fault. It should be me lying on that bed. I should be the one in his place. The guilt I was feeling kept on bothering me and kept me crying very hard. If I was careful enough, dad won’t be beaten to death by those monsters. He wouldn’t be stabbed.

huk. huk. huk.

My body’s exhausted already. I haven’t put anything on my stomach except for the coffee and water I drank. I didn’t feel like eating anything seeing him in that condition. My eyes were red and puffy and everything seems to be cloudy everywhere. Since yesterday when I ran for help and returned with my father lying on the floor unconscious, blood all over his shirt and bruises on his face, breathing so slowly, my tears never dried up. It was like I am being swallowed by a monster and I can’t do anything at all but cry.

“Don’t blame yourself Milcah. No one’s blaming you for what had happened. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but those bastards,” my brother tried consoling me. He was like that every time we sit with each other.

Dec.25, 2012

Mom’s Journie,

I am very happy today. It’s our birthday!

Two months ago I thought we would lose dad. I thought he would leave us already and go with mom. Fortunately after a week his condition got better. And now we celebrated our birthday and Christmas together. Actually, we attended the Christmas Mass a while ago. Our grannies arrived together with our aunts and uncles and cousins. For sure mom is very happy to see us on this occasion together with the whole family. I made a card for her. J We fetched our grannies from the airport.

We arrived at the airport at about 11 o’clock. It’s December but it felt like summer is just around the corner. While we were waiting someone bumped me. He didn’t even bother to apologize. He just coldly walked away. (Talking about manners?) Tch.

Ahhh…(Long sigh) I’m so tired and sleepy. Our get together (birthday and Christmas celebration) was so great! I had a blast. I’m going to open my gifts tomorrow first thing in the morning.

Merry Christmas! <3

P.S.: I totally fell in love with the ICE CREAM SUNDAE CAKE… T^T Whoever made it, if he’s a boy I’M GONNA MARRY HIM otherwise I’M GONNA LET MIEL MARRY HER. hahaha!!! :D

-Milcah Cassandra