The reason why

Chapter 1.,

The tangle smell of copper fills my nose as I drag the knife across my skin one more time, although this time I fade into a deep dark hole.I woke up 7 hours later in the hospital with my mom at my side and my arms wrapped in ace bandages.My mom was in tears next to me praying.I force her name out of my mouth so she knows i'm awake. She opens her eyes unfolds her hands and jumps to her feet.She wraps her arms around me trying to avoid mine  while she tries to hold her one and only baby. Shes whispers in my ear asking me  "Do you want to be with ell.Is that why you did it?" I pushed her off me screaming at her for thinking that the only reason I wanted to die is because ell did.Yes ell was my sister but that doesn't mean I wanted to kill myself just because she did. The doctors came running in because they heard my screams. They took my mom out of the room so they could talk to me.I told them everything that happened and that I didn't want to alarm them but I have ptsd about ells death and my mom knows that. The doctor then told me that I can go home if I feel ready. So I told my mom I was ready to go home we packed up our stuff and left. The doctors gave me some antidepressant medication that I had to take two times a day. After about a month I went back to school and the same things happened the taunting the teasing and worst of all the harassing. The worst part is why this was all happening it was happening because I was gay.All of this mostly came from boys that asked me out before they knew I  was gay.I wasn't  what most people see lesbian looking like. I had long hair and all the guys liked me. When I eventually came out to some of my closest friends it got to the whole school and that's when all the harassment started. I tried talking to the school about it but they didnt do anything.I really didn't want to die that bad until Ell did and i'm not saying that she made me want to kill myself its just, when Ell died it left me empty.It made me feel like I was all alone. Ell was one of the only people that I could talk to about everything and she would actually listen to me. I was the one that found her dead in the bathroom. I was the one that called 911 when my mom was to drunk to even realize what was happening. When my mom heard the sirens she ran out of the house cause she was scared. I had to call my mom he next morning and tell her that she had to come pick me up from the hospital because I was the person that went in the ambulance with her dying daughter while you were running for your life. I watched my sister take her last breaths. Let me tell you that is the hardest thing for someone to see and i'm never gonna forget that moment that I walked in bathroom and saw my own sister limp body laying on the floor with a empty bottle of painkillers  on the floor next to her. I have cried every night for almost 4 months because me and ell shared a room so every night when I go to sleep I look over and see her bed. Like a lot of people I used cutting as a method that helped with the pain of depression. I never did more than one of 2 cuts but on the day I was hospitalized its like something came over me and I couldn't stop bringing that knife over my bare arm. I was debating just grabbing a bottle of pills and ending it all but its not that I wanted to die its that I Wanted the pain to stop. My mom was drinking that night so I was hoping could just it in my room and cry while she was downstair drinking, but that was not the case I guess she decided to come say goodnight and that when she saw me. In a way i'm glad she did because I would probably be dead or atleast still in the hospital. I loved my mom but I hated the fact that she drank so much,one reason I hated it is because that how my dad died.He got  drunk one night he walked right into traffic without even realising he was outside. I've already lost most of my family I cant lose my mom to.