This is me

8. Gameover

Me and Gabriel won't be together.

Let me start where I finished off last chapter.

I went to the Christmas party at the school. For a while we didn't talk. But eventually we met up on the dance floor, and we ended up making out.

It was nice.

I remember asking him if there was something between us, and he just answered that there was a reason he hadn't hit on anyone since the last time we kissed.

He didn't really sound like he was so sure about "our relationship". Or what we were.

But we talked and it was nice.

Everyone was looking at us, watching us. No-one had really known that we had already kissed before, so (something I found out later) there were whispers like "why is she kissing him?", and blah blah blah.

I didn't actually realize that everyone was fucking observing (wtf people?) so when I next day saw our tongues down each others throats on multiplie snap stories I was kind of embarrassed.

Anyway, when I got home a guy from my class, let's call him Dennis, snapped our class snapchat group "Nice party everyone!".

I replied with "Agreed", not really thinking much about it.

He then said "yeah, well you did make out with the gamemaster".

Then he said "You were an easy victim"

"Like stealing candy from a child."

I immediately became so furious.

I knew I wasn't just another game for Gabriel to rule, so how dare Dennis come here and downgrade me?

If he just knew how annoying and snobby everyone finds him.

I just said something I knew would hit him right in the heart.

"Oh how you just always say the most wrong and inappropriate things."

Nothing too mean from the outside, but I can just feel that he had some insecurities regarding how everyone sees him. (Which is ironic considering most dont like him).

Then I turned my phone off and went to bed. The next day I saw another snap from him from last night.

"You really think that?"

I totally hit a weak spot. 

Bullseye.

Anyway, for the next week me and Gabriel talked a lot on snapchat, and when friday came along, we went to another party.

Again we ended up making out and talking.

And then we talked a lot on snapchat for two weeks.

But the thing is, we didn't/don't talk face2face when we haven't been drinking.

I don't know why.

It is so weird.

And I get this sick feeling in the stomach whenever I think about it, because it's just so awkward and weird.

And I feel like everyone is expecting us to become the next pair of the year, but we're totally not even close to being a pair.

I don't know what is wrong with us together. Is it me? Is it him? Why can't we talk together in school?

I can't explain my feelings properly.

Basically, every time I think about us, I cringe.

But I still want us to be in a relationship.

Not because I'm in love with him, but because I'm in love with the idea of being in a relationship.

I'm 16 and I haven't had a boyfriend. I havn't had sex.

I'm starting not to care with who, as long as it's someone hot and not totally mean. I don't want things between me and Gabriel ruined, because I feel like I need to do this.

Do what?

I'm not even sure.

I'm just rambling trying to get my feelings out on white.

Last night I texted him.

"Gabriel, is there something between us or not?"

I wanted to know this, his views, because I don't even know myself.

He replied with:

"Honestly, I dont know."

It stung a bit, but really it didn't surprise me.

"Okay, that's fine." I said, thinking everything that could ever had happened between us was ruined in that moment. And being okay with it for a few seconds.

Because he isn't my type in many ways when I think about it.

Here's a list why:

1. He is skinny. Not too skinny or anything, but I would like a boyfriend that could jump someone for me if that should come in handy.

2. He chose this path in school that gives you like no options for future colleges/universities. I need someone with a plan.

3. He doesn't seem like he really knows what he wants. He hadn't even asked me out in all those weeks that had went by. But he still payed attention to me, so it wasn't because he didn't care.

Anyway, he texted back again saying "If you want, we could meet up and talk?".

Honestly, I don't feel like it. I want him out of my life, want the weird feeling like I'm going to throw up gone from my stomach.

But I just answered with "sure, if you feel like it."

And now I'm here. We haven't agreed when to meet up yet, maybe he will even forget. I don't know.

I just want it over. I just want it over. I just want it over.

This. THIS is what makes my life shitty right now. It's stupid.

And I think that the fact I thought we were meant to be together (fucking naive) makes it even worse.

Fuck. Me.