Life's Fear

Chapter Twenty-Three

When I reached out to hold Jason's hand, he didn't let go the entire journey back to his house.

Even when we got lost a few times because he'd never ventured into this estate of Bellmere.

Even when our hands began to get quite clammy.

It was only when he struggled to unlock his front door with only one hand did we let go. And as soon as he'd locked the front door after us, he held my hand again, smiling coyly at me before we ascended the stairs. I wanted to say Jason was nervous due to the coy smile, but he wasn't emitting any other indication of trepidation coursing through him.

Then I began to get nervous, and that was not what I required. It was far too late to even contemplate backing out of all this now, I told myself. But I didn't want to back out. I just wanted to take things slowly. Did Jason want the same? Like a normal person, I preferred to not be plunged in a new situation head-first in the deep end. As much as I desired drowning in his thrilling caresses and fiery kisses, I didn't want it going too fast. I wanted to bask in the moment.

Leading me upstairs to his room – there were no other noises in the house, so I presumed we were the only occupants currently – Jason glanced over his shoulder and smiled. "Mum's working," he said softly. "She won't be back until about midday or something."

That eased the trepidation I was experiencing but only by a fraction. As soon as I closed his bedroom door behind me, it was back again. I was so nervous I could barely look at Jason without smiling and cheeks heating up, but I didn't want to look anywhere else. I didn't want a moment to be squandered away that I wasn't gazing at Jason. He was too attractive for his own good... too attractive.-

"You're nervous," he whispered, stepping closer to me and raising his hand to gently stroke my cheek with the back of his fingers. He turned his hand around and cupped my cheek. His hand was warm, and the action was soothing. I was adamant my cheeks were categorically on fire by that point.

"Aren't you?" I murmured back.

He shrugged, but the smile was still on his rouge lips. "A little."

"You're good at hiding it," I acknowledged, though I wondered why I said it.

He'd hidden so much stuff before – the vandalism, Scarlett, his body to other students – so of course it would be a piece of cake just concealing his true emotions. A part of me hated myself for saying that stupid statement out loud. I wish I hadn't, but Jason didn't seem deterred by it.

"I need to seem attractive to you so of course I'm remaining nonchalant," he replied, his smile broadening.

I couldn't say anything else. Was it abruptly hot in his room? I thought so, but I couldn't say anything. His hand was on my cheek and I didn't want him to remove it. If anything, I wanted more, but I was afraid of saying so. But Jason knew what he had to do.

He was leaning in slowly. His eyes never leaving mine. But then he licked his lips and I was sure my knees wanted to just give way, but I managed to hold myself up, just for the sake of his hand on my cheek and the expectation of what was to come. There was no way I wanted to miss it...

And there it was.

The fiery kisses.

His lips were warm. He stepped closer and put his left hand on the curve of my hip. On instinct, I wrapped my arms around his neck, and then we both parted our lips. It was slow at first, almost as if our tongues were doing some sort of sultry, classical dance together. When his hand on my cheek lowered all the way to my other hip, that was when our kisses began heating up.

Jason was stepping forward so in turn I was stepping back. Caught up in the moment and the haziness of the fiery kisses, I didn't realise what was happening until my back hit the wall lightly. It still wasn't enough. So I began walking forward until the back of his legs hit his bed and together we fell down. Carefully we shimmied up the bed, but we didn't dare cease the kiss – not even for a moment. What a wasted moment that would be.

Soon some clothes were being shed and discarded on the floor. The kisses felt liberating, but we didn't dare do anything more than kiss. Not right now. And I was okay with that. I really was. I didn't want to just jump straight into the deep end, as I've said, and anyway, I was drowning too much in his kisses to be saved and thrown into another calamity.

If I'd have been drowning in real life, I'd have died and been washed up to some remote, vacant island for my body to be left and decomposed with the assistance of flies and other wild animals that inhabited the island.

"I've never done any of this before," Jason whispered during kisses at one point, long after our clothes were discarded on the floor.

"We don't have to do any more than this," I replied back, though I was sure some of my words were quite muffled from his lips. I was sure both our lips would be swollen by this point, but neither of us cared. Not one single bit.

Jason didn't reply.

In the end I pulled away, my lips definitely swollen from the looks of his. He smiled at me and ran his hand down my back, tracing my spine delicately with his fingertips. It made me shiver, but I wanted him to do it again. And he did. And again. And again.

"Do you need to get home?" he whispered, disappointment laced in his words.

"What time is it?"

Jason reached round behind him so naturally his hands left my body. The places where his hands had previously been felt cold. But then he turned back to me and mumbled, "Gone four in the morning. You could stay here like last time."

I looked down, contemplating whether to risk it all again. I'd been exceptionally fortunate that no one had discovered my absence that night and ratted me out to Mum – especially Jesse considering it was his fault – but Jason took my glance down as if I was looking at my own body, which I had begun to subconsciously cover up the private places.

"We can put our clothes back on if you'd prefer," he explained.

"What if someone knows I'm not there – what am I supposed to say then? I've already used the Max excuse. I don't think my mum would buy it again this time."

Jason nodded, his expression impassive. How many times had I witnessed that expression? How many times had I wished I was inside his head, so I knew what he was really feeling... from his wildest dreams to his darkest fears. Childhood nightmares and embarrassing anecdotes. All the factoids he's told in the past to people to make them like him... though I suspected the latter would not have been too relevant to Jason.

"I'll walk you home," he said, kissing my lips and then my nose and then my forehead.

It never occurred to me whilst getting to know Jason that he could be quite so sweet and caring to a girl. He could have easily been annoyed that I was rejecting his offer to stay the night due to my own concerns, but he was respectful and slid the disappointment to one side.

Together we changed, quite timidly, actually. When it came to underwear, we both turned away from one another, but when I turned back around, Jason was slipping his legs into his jeans. I didn't want his jeans on – or his boxers, for that matter – anymore than he didn't really want me to go home.

Once we were dressed – though a little bit of Jason's top had caught on the waistline of his boxers, so they were still teasing me – we set off for my house. Jason sorted his top out when he put on a hoodie, running his hand through his hair afterwards and smiling at me.

He held my hand. All the way back to my house. Again. Our hands were completely freezing, mind, but we clutched one another tightly. There was small talk on the way back to mine, but I didn't mind. Some people might have thought it would be boring or annoying for that matter, but not me. He was putting in some effort. I liked that.

Outside my front door, Jason turned to me and leaned in quickly before I could say anything. He smiled when he pulled back and said, "I had a great time tonight. Thank you for choosing WE'RE BURRIED BENEATH LIES AND SECRETS. Just know I would never want to lie to you. I don't want to hide anything from you either."

"I know," I replied quietly. "Me too. And thank you for letting me come along."

Jason leaned in to kiss me again, but this kiss lasted longer than the previous. That was fine by me. I didn't want to leave and sleep on my own after tonight. I wanted more time with him. And before I could say goodbye to him, he was already blurting out a question.

"Scarlett would like to meet you tomorrow. Would you like to join me?"