till i get back

End up Here//6:58pm

My body slumped against the gray walls as shadows crept into my room.

My clothes were soaked with rain, my shirt hugged me like a cold blanket and my jeans sticking uncomfortably to my legs.

I sniffed and wiped my face with the back of my hand.

I got up shakily and took my sticky, wet clothes off. Instead of showering or washing my face from its tears, I put on a hoodie and pajama shorts that were loose around my small waist.

I had no feeling anymore. My veins were filled with adrenaline but my body was exhausted.

I wanted to feel dizzy.

I wanted to not care; i wanted to be careless.

I wanted feel nothing but everything at the
same time.

I wanted to forget everyone and everything.

I want to wait and see, but see what?

Is this what hope i have?

To wait and see.

To see who's worth it or to whom I'm worth it.

To maybe see who's enough and to whom I'm enough.

Ill wait as long as it takes because i cant be what everyone says. I cant be vulnerable.

Im not vulnerable.
Im not small.

And i never will be

Im not a wimp.
Im not a coward.

Am i?

Do we always question ourselves to the point of insanity?

Asking if we fit the mold made for us....
Or if we fit our own mold?

Ill say im strong, and ill say im as weak as a loose knot.

Il say ill be there, but im far too lost.

Ill say im so goddamn happy and smile for you, and cry and cry because of you.

Why we say and what we feel are so different, that no one knows which to understand.

Can people read our feelings?

Know the meaning behind our stumbled words?

You'd never know with me.

Im positive of such a thing.

But i know i have a useless determination but hopeless soul. I contradict myself.

I always will.

I wanted today to come to an end.
Not for night to settle in, but for everyday not be the same like yesterday or today.

Today was always like yesterday and yesterday was like the day before.

Im so sick of today.

Today how the world is so careless, how everyone else is so careless.

Today was never good.

But there was one good day, maybe yet to come or sometime in the past I never remembered

because i cried to much and it fuzzed my mind or because i was beat up to think my memories werent real.

Im only 16.

Im only happy when I hurt myself.

Im only good enough when i push myself toward the edge.

I let a few tears fall and rock me to sleep, a dreamless and rough sleep.

I imagined a mother's soft touch brushing against my cheek.

Soft

                            and

Gentle...

Theres a hope im sure of because ive been waiting for weeks.

And tomorrow is the day.

I cant wait for tomorrow.