It’s not easy to feel like you’re the only person who feels this way. Like you’re all alone and no one understands you.
I woke up one morning, appreciating the fact that I’m still alive. I found my dad and mom screaming at each other, blaming each other for all the mistakes they each did.
I thought to myself, I should not get myself involved in these things. It will only make it worse.
I walked to go downstairs and get a snack for breakfast. My mom and dad noticed me. They just looked at me. My mom, with a swollen cheek- the reason might have been because dad slapped her- looked at me with a tear in her eye.
“I’m so sorry...” she whispered. I actually felt the sincerity in her voice. I looked at dad. He wasn’t facing me. He isn’t proud to call himself my father.
I ignored them both. I try my best to not be involved in anything. So when I die, nobody will be involved.
I have never told both of my parents that I love them. I just think that in the end, we are all alone. I do not want to connect my life with anyone because I will just end up hurting them if I decide to die one day.
I am a troubled person. I get bullied in school, my parents scold me for things I did not even do, I get low grades from my tests because my teachers’ say I am not listening. I do not understand this. It’s like everyone doesn’t want me.
I have no friends. I think that being close with people just attracts a lot of attention. And like I said, if I decide to die one day, it would be better if nobody else would be included and hurt.
There were several people who tried to talk to me and ask me how I feel. I just say I feel “fine”. But really, what is the definition of “fine”? Does it mean you’re alright? Eternally happy? Or does it simply mean, “I’m okay.”? I honestly think that you cannot be okay. From my own observation of life, I do think that it is NOT possible to be contented. You will ALWAYS have problems no matter how HARD you try to escape them. Those problems are caused by PEOPLE. And that is the reason why I try my best to stay away from them.
Some people ask me if I’d like to be friends. I deny the opportunity to have someone close. But truthfully speaking, it is not an opportunity. It is just another way of having someone close to you who you trust, but in the end, is not there.
I do not mind staying alone because it would keep me from harm. People is the cause of harm. The cause of insecurities. The cause of fear and atelophobia.
Atelophobia is the fear of never being good enough. Once you feel close to somebody, and they, themselves, have found somebody else, you will feel unloved, alone and not good enough for them. You will encounter thoughts that lead you to depression and fear and insecurities. You will then push people away and be sad for a long time until someone new comes. They say they understand you. They say they know how you feel. But the honest truth is, they don’t.
All of us are different people, all of us do not have the same amount of compatibility with others. Some people go well with others. Others don’t.
I am one of those people that push others away. It is because I do not want to get involved in anything. Not even a small friendship.
I do not want anyone to care. It does not bother me. I just want to be alone. Although it does get lonely, I think of the benefits. I do not have to bring anyone closer to my life and in the end, they would all be gone. They wouldn’t be there for me at all.
It is my 2nd year in high school. It is my 3rd month in it. This is my 5110th day of living. I am counting days till I will finally die, which I do not know.
So far, high school has not been easy for me. They are a lot of kids that say I enjoy attention. But the truth is, I do not.
Lots of kids eye me as I pass through the hall way.
I do not get their words in my thoughts. They say I am a girl who pretends to be depressed to get attention. They said that I really care on the inside.
This is not the first time they have talked about me. The first time was way back on my 5th Grade. They called me the “attention whore”. I do not enjoy attention, especially in school.
School is the place where I spend most of my life in and this is the place where I get the most attention. I have started cutting once every week since then.
When I was still young, at the age of 11, I did not want to cut deep yet. I was still so delicate, so afraid. I was afraid of hurting others. What if I’m gone one day? They would all cry and blame themselves. So I’ve grown and pushed others away. Now I do think that no one cares and so if any time I would die, no one would be involved.
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End
