Guys, I would like to inform you that I have survived a truly horrendous and scarring experience. Thankfully it didn’t turn out physically scarring, but this post is honestly to raise awareness more than anything else.
What are jalapeno hands, you may ask? Well good thing you know that such a thing exists, because I sure didn’t, until I was (unfairly) told to cut 12 jalapeno peppers at work yesterday. Now, I work at a Mexican restaurant with Mexican cooks, and it kind of worries me that no one bothered to tell me what happens when you chop the little devils without wearing gloves. Really, could no one find the time to warn the white girl about the consequences?
For your convenience, I have included a picture of the little devilish green spawn things on the right
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Long and painful story short, jalapeno peppers apparently release an invisible oil which, when makes contact with your bare skin, sets your every pore on flaming toast-it-to-hell mode. My hands were burning from the inside out my entire 10-hour shift, and every time I would open the grill to toast a burrito, the devil himself may as well have been present because it was agony.
When I went home, I googled this stuff and discovered that searching ‘jalapeno hands’ will give you 1.2 million results. The poor souls who have suffered worse than I have posted their stories on all sorts of threads and some stories are quite... um, painful. Some people even ended up in the ER.
And the worst thing? Nothing really helps. You just gotta man up to it for about 15-20 hours, depending on how bad your burn is, and your skin remains sensitive the next day. Some of the suggestions on the internet seemed pretty er... questionable, though. I seriously don’t think that dipping your burning hands in bathroom cleaner mixed with bleach will make anything better, but I swear there were two comments saying it worked. Personally, I think they fried their nerve endings and they’ll never be able to feel any kind of pain in their hands ever again after that combination. I was too much of a wuss to try lemon juice, so I ended up doing vinegar diluted with water, and falling asleep holding a Ziploc bag of ice that ended up exploding all over my bed around 2am. I haven’t had an accident like that since my diaper days :( May you all burn in jalapeno hell, peppers, I hate you.
Overall, guys, it was pretty darn awful and I don’t know why I haven’t heard of this before or why on God’s green earth there aren’t some serious medical treatments.
Moral of the story: if you ever are in an inescapable position where you are forced to chop jalapeno peppers, wear gloves. If you are subjected to a fate similar to mine at a restaurant, throw up your hands, scream “No me gusta!” and book it out of there for all your life's worth. If you are cooking with jalapenos... don’t cook with jalapenos. If you are being interrogated and jalapenos are used as a method of torture, give up the nation’s most vital secrets immediately. Trust me, no one will blame you. And finally, the best suggestion of all, try avoiding them entirely. I’m firmly convinced that jalapenos are Satan’s own vegetable, and unless you particularly enjoy the sensation of being slowly roasted from the inside, try not to touch them :)
Sharing time: So guys. Tell me about YOUR hot pepper stories so I won't feel so alone :(
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RandomCaution: my life will teach you more of what NOT to do than what you SHOULD do. Every once in a while I will rant or share some rare words of wisdom that I've learned. You can read them here, laugh at my finest dumb moments, and judge me not-so-sile...
