A Mother's Sacrifice

Growing up has its quirks

My baby was growing up way to fast and before I knew it he was in grade school already. I wanted time to go back to when he was just a baby and freeze. Andrew was growing up in a way I never expected. The good things I thought I managed to do for him turned back on me somehow. Memories I thought I buried started to come back to the surface and I didn’t like that. I wanted them well hidden away. I wanted my carefree loving boy back. I don’t know where I went wrong or what I did but all I know is that something went wrong along the way.

Baby Andrew is suddenly a big boy of 8 and is in the 3rd grade. It’s still my habit to drop him of at school before heading to work and I always made sure the my shifts were at the same time as his school time so I can pick him up and spend the rest of the day with him. The only real problem we'd had till now is when he got mad at me because he has no daddy. That night he heard me crying when I thought he was asleep but he started to apologize and say that he loves me and he doesn’t need a daddy. Since that day he wasn’t mentioned anymore but I know he is missing the fatherly figure in his life. Especially on father’s day when all his classmates have both of his parents and he only has me. I always make sure to attend all his school events so he wouldn’t feel less than his friends but I guess I still hadn’t managed to fill his need for a father. I just wish I knew how I can fix that.

 At that time I didn’t know that fate had more trouble for me. The kind of trouble that was irreparable. I had just picked my baby up and we were walking home together but he was unusually quite. "What’s wrong love?" "Nothing." I gave him his space and I knew that he'll talk to me when he needs to. I didn’t put much thought into it and I started cooking lunch for us as he changed and had his bath. I had plans for us to go out to wherever he chooses to go tonight because I haven’t taken him out all night but when I brought up the topic as we were having lunch his surprise matched his mood. "I don’t want to go out." He was worrying me but he wouldn’t tell me what was on his mind. "Maybe it’s the father topic again," I thought with a heavy heart as I washed the dishes. I hated to see my baby upset so I tried everything possible to cheer him up. But nothing worked this time.

The next morning I was walking him to his school he stopped me in mid way. "Mommie I’ll go to school and you go to work. I'm a big boy now I can go to school alone." And he took of walking fast before I could even answer him. I was greatly confused now. What was bothering my baby so much? Does he have detention in school? I gave him time to ensure that he's reached school then walked towards it myself. He was just walking in as I reached there and what I saw and heard broke my heart into million pieces. My baby was standing in front of two seniors whom had gotten in his way and one of them was talking to my baby while the other was too busy counting the coins I’d just given him. "Here you are, mommies’ boy. Where's your one eyed mommie? What happened to her other eye? Did daddy bust it for her? Oh I remember now you don’t have a daddy."

 I ran away. Yeah I know how selfish I was being but I couldn’t stand up for my baby then. I had to leave. I couldn’t bare the things I heard. I was the reason my boy was sad yesterday. I am the reason my boy is being bullied in school. He is hurting because of me. I ran and ran with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t know what to do and I certainly didn’t know where I was headed to. I just got to get away. I had to get away from those words. "One eyed mom." It kept playing over and over in my head and it was getting louder until I couldn’t bare it anymore. "I am the reason my boy is sad and being bullied. I am a one eyed mom that is giving her son misery." That's the last thing I remember I thought off before everything blackened out.

I woke up in a hospital bed with an awful headache. I looked around but there was no one and it was already 2 p.m. My son finishes school in an hour and I have to go pick him up. My son! The things I saw and heard started coming back to me bit by bit and I lay back on the pillow crying. What if he doesn’t want me to pick him up? What if he doesn’t want to be seen with me anymore? Am I a source of shame to my baby boy? I still have to get myself strong and go home for him. I have to feed him. If he doesn’t want to be seen with me outside, at least I’d be with him at home.

The doctor came and released me and I went straight home. I didn’t want to cause my baby more trouble. I was cooking when he walked in and went straight to his room without as much as a hi. I set the table and we sat in silence. I looked up at him every now and then but he didn’t even look my way. He was looking so sad and it was killing me. I knew then that our relation will never be the same once more. My baby Andrew has changed.