phan one shot

it's Christmas eve and I can't breath

Dan was in his room, wrapped up in a soft blanket and scrolling endlessly through tumblr. He heard a faint knock on the outside of his door, and Phil's voice calling for him.

"Yeah?" he sighed, already knowing he didn't want to do anything phil had planned for him.

"Do you want to do some baking ? Christmas cookies or something?" Phil's voice seemed shy, like he knew he was bothering him and it made him even more mad with himself,  being such a dick to the people he loved just because he felt like he couldn't breath anymore.

It was one of these day, where he couldn't find happiness in anything, his only desire being to stay in bed, and even that seemed exhausting. Keeping is eyes open was exhausting. But he couldn't be like that, he couldn't do that to phil, not today. He was supposed to be happy, everyone's happy on Christmas eve. He knew he should've been, but he couldn't. So he did the only thing he was able to do at the moment, he said yes. He tried to make his voice sound cheerful but he knew phil didn't believe him, he knew him to well.

When he came out of his dark room, it was like the obnoxious light was trying to mock him. For a second he really thought he might throw up but he hold it together and smiled a little. He saw the familiar frown on Phil's face, of course he knew. But none of them said anything and they just headed up to the kitchen. Dan sat on one of the stool and waited for phil to bring him the ingredients. He could do that. And so he did, he mixed the doe just like he needed to and cut festive shapes in it. His every movement were slower than usual, and it felt like everything was blurry around him. However, he didn't stop his task even he felt more and more out of breath.

Phil was talking continually, filling the void. He was still acting like he usually did, all giggly and nice, but he kept glancing at Dan from time to time, and the frown didn't leave his face once.

When they were finally done, they shoved the cookies in the hoven and sat down again. Dan was staring into nothing, lost in his own thought.

"Are you even listening to me?" A voice suddenly cut his reverie

"mh?"

"Dan. Is everything fine?" his voice was full of the concern he had been holding back this whole time.

"I am, I'm fine. Don't worry, let's just uh, get the cookies out now." Dan stammered, trying not to look too weird. Phil nodded but he clearly wasn't convinced at his poor attempt at a smile.

**

After a day of trying to act okay, it was the moment, the moment Dan had been fearing all day. It was presents time. He had bought something for Phil, it wasn't much but he knew be was going to like it. It wasn't what he dreaded. He was sitting on the couch with the present on his lap, his hand shaking and gaze flickering around the room as he waited for Phil to come back with his present. The more time passed, the worse he felt. And what made it even worst was the guilt, of ruining his first Christmas with Phil. Christmas with the Lesters must have been so much better, compared to what he had to offer.

When Phil came back, he was almost dancing from excitement. He handled to Dan the present he was hiding behind is back, who took it slowly. At his exact moment, he felt like the world was swallowing him whole.

He couldn't do this.

Phil expected him to enjoy whatever he got him and he was sure in any other circumstances he would've enjoyed it, but right now nothing seemed enjoyable. And this thought sent him over the edge, the thought of making the most important person in his life sad made him cry. He was fully ugly sobbing, with a very confused Phil watching him.

After the two seconds of confusion were gone, he actually ran over to his friend, putting one hand on his knee and the other immediately finding his hair. He gently stroked them to try and calm Dan who was still breathing heavily.

"Dan please talk to me, what's wrong?" He asked softly. Dan didn't answered immediately. He didn't want to admit it, he didn't want Phil to know how bad he felt. But when he slowly opened his eyes to find Phil's, he knew he could.

"I- It's just one of those day you know... And I wanted to make Christmas good for you but I can't because I'm just- I don't know Phil, I'm ruining everything, you deserve so much better."

"What are you on about, you're not ruining everything ! It is not your fault you feel like that sometimes and you know that !" He said firmly, still stroking his hair lightly. 

"But today..."

"It doesn't matter Dan, I just want you to be fine. We can open the presents tomorrow. You know what, I'm going to get you a blanket and hot chocolate, and then I'll put you to bed. Don't move." And he did just that, he waited for Phil to come back, still feeling down but not so guilty anymore. When he came back, he got under the cover with Dan, the latter putting his head on his friend's shoulder. It was comforting, feeling someone else's warmth on his side while he felt so cold. Phil putted his hand in his hair again, while he sipped at his hot chocolate, both sitting in silent. It was a comfortable one though.

For the first time this day, he felt warm. He wasn't happy, but he was content, and it was already a big step. He was breathing again, slowly but still. When he was done, Phil proceeded to put the mug on the coffee table, and after a while, he heard dan breath evened, indicating he was asleep.

AN
hey ! I'm sorry it's so short, I just had this cute little idea and I wanted to post it when it was still kind of Christmas eve (well it's 01:43 here so not really)
also as it's v late I might have done a lot of typos and such so sorry for that too
I hope you enjoyed it anyway !