Sock Reviews (Harsh Critiques for Serious Authors)

Snow

 I love you krismcase, author of Snow. Best author, 2k17

krismcase started out their story by asking for more detailed critiques and then - are you ready for this? - actually tagged it on the front of their prologue and not a separate chapter. Best author, 10 outta 10 job. Everyone please take a note from this beautiful person. 

Biggest Issue: Sentence Monotony

Personal Score: 6/10

Snow, to put it simply, is very enjoyable. The prologue was both well written and very interesting. The character, an old woman plagued by an insatiable hunger, grovels on the floor as she inhales mouthfuls of flowers. From the way the world was described to the desperation of the old woman pulling at stalks, krismcase firmly held my attention. But this is a critique, so I'm going to be a bitch and pick at everything I didn't like. Out of love, of course. 

Most of the sentences are compound and very long. The majority of them flow easily, and I had no issue shifting through the lengthy descriptions. That, and they flowed from one piece of the scene to the next, never focusing to long on one particular thing. The issue is the monotony of the author's syntax. Nearly every sentence is wordy. Breaking up those long sentences with smaller ones pulls the reader out of a "road trance", the same kind you get while staring at the freeway for too long. You get bored of the same scenery, so mixing up the length and descriptions can be a subtle (but important) change of pace. 

The second paragraph of the prologue is a good example on this. The author begins with a kind-of long sentence, explaining where the woman was picking the flowers. And then, a short "Her slavering picked at the quiet like a scab." 

The next paragraph also does this with the short sentence, "She swore it mocked her." Adding more bursts of these would break apart the heaviness of the chapter, and simplify a lot of the harder to read sentences. For example, the sentence below doesn't have a need to be so long. Cutting it into a short description as the two latter examples would clean it up. 

"But still, she pulled, her will not hers but orchestrated by those who watched , until she inhaled the very last one."

This is kind of a small climax, in which the hungry woman finally devours the last of the flowers she had been manically scarfing down the whole prologue. Brevity can also hold more power and tension behind it, and would add just that to this description. 

Snow is very original as well. The scene extends to the woman - known as Gilde - being carried off by a mysterious being as she wonders whether or not her stomach might burst with fullness. The scene is accented by a red moon and masked things rubbing at her gut, eager for some kind of liberator they were promised. The vagueness of the prologue hit home, and it added a sense of mystery that a lot of other authors have a hard time pinning. Not every story needs a prologue, but Snow nicely encompasses the creepiness of its world. And the best part, it was there for a reason, to serve as the catalyst to a greater story. 

Now, here are my issues with it. 

1. Red Moon. 

The moon's color is mentioned a total of three times. 

2. The Ending Paragraph

This felt rushed and confusing. It feels out of place compared to the rest of the prologue. It was rather disappointing. I didn't know she had a husband, and what of the white snout? I couldn't quite figure out what I was suppose to imagine, and would like to see the author flesh that scene out more... or... cut it out?

It's too rushed. Everything else is drawn out and glossed over with a fine brush and heavy details, and reading that second-to-last paragraph made everything else before it overwhelming. It's a puzzle piece that I can't quite smash into the correct hole. 

"When she next woke, Gilde had been laid beside her husband in their bed."

What? Wait, hold up. Back up and let's stop at the creatures carrying Gilde away to... what I thought was who knows where. And that was the fun part - not knowing what happened to Gilde. Knowing she was just laid in her bed kind of wore down my excitement. It's like ending any chapter with a scene where the character goes to sleep. It makes the reader want to pause as well. 

I'd suggest cutting that scene completely and just leaving the reader with Gilde being taken away and that last sentence  - 

"A pulse budded in her abdomen."

-can be left where it is.