Sock Reviews (Harsh Critiques for Serious Authors)

Montone

Biggest Issue: Blah, Blah, Blah

Personal Score: 1/10

Dear Archelios,

"Blah blah blah," is all I can hear when I read your book. I read through the actual first chapter, and the page you dedicated to explain what you intended to do through your novel. Both were at the same level of boring. No, wait, the chapter might have been more boring. Let me explain. 

This first passage is nothing but a literal introduction to your MC's family. There's no plot or setting established here. The first person narrative speaks directly to the audience, writing out long sentences that end up going absolutely nowhere. Mixed together, you've created a good recipe to lose readers. There's nothing interesting going on. The whole thing is easily forgettable. The main character sounds so 'monotone' that it feels like the words will go on forever. Your character isn't a robot. Give his voice some life-like character that corresponds to his behavior, because right now, he reads off as fake. 

There's a lot that bugged me about your story, so below, I split up all my concerns into answers beneath the topic questions. I hope it helps. 

Why does the narrator explain what an introvert is? 

The audience knows what that is. If you were trying to go for a quirky type of diary format, or you were trying to use that as some kind of hook, I'll advise you to take a step back. These blocks of essays that feed out info, add nothing to your plot. The way your character describes sleep as a form of hibernation, doesn't really make his character fun or silly. It makes him annoying, because I have to read all his rambling thoughts. If you wanted to give him rambling thoughts, you need to set up his dialogue in a way where these ramblings occur, and the characters around him react to it as perfectly normal. Don't shove that quirk in the audience's face. It takes what could be a potentially enduring tick, and turning it into an obstacle to read over. 

Why does he have three paragraphs dedicated to absolutley nothing?

You have to ask yourself, "Does this add anything to the plot or character development?" If the answer is no, it shouldn't be in your story. It's all empty space that could be used to actually improve your story. Your whole chapter is nothing. It's literally... nothing. I can't describe it to my friends, or remember what happened. Because nothing happened. Give your character something to do. Below is an simple representation of what transpired, laid out to show you how empty everything feels. 

i wake up

i am too lazy to get up

oof oh, gravity. no not gravity, laziness

hibernation 

hibernation

i am a grizzly bear 

wake up scene, i think?

i am kyon

this is family 

mom: you're going to new school. you're too introverted

me: looks like i go to new school soon ;(

Your writing style feel like a biology book. It's stale and hollow, and without a plot, you'll lose a reader's interest very quick. 

Why is the format strange?

The dates and times you add don't make sense. There's no point to them, unless this book is suppose to be a tape recording, or possibly a diary? If that is the case - and even if it's not, hear me out - why don't you make the writing style fit the formatting? A format can make a whole piece of work different. Works read in the forms of abstract thoughts are often chopped up, or laid out in strange shapes - common in poetry books. Diary entries are, obviously, written like journals. Each entry is given a date, offering readers insight into how much time passes between each event. These events move the plot along in quick successions. This offers the reader an interesting perspective from inside a character's head. 

In all honesty, I would urge you to find a new format style. It would benefit the almost robot-like text, if you wanted the tone to come off that way. Or, it can help you find a more unique voice, and give you new ways of looking at how you write.