Gone, But Still In My Heart

          The song played and I felt an urge to sing along to the lyrics that I did not know. The bus ride always felt longer than it actually was. The day felt different, not like any other day I've had before. There was a silence to this day. The song "Apologize", that was still playing made me think a lot about how I felt and why I felt that way.

          When I got off the bus, I ran as fast as I could toward my house! I couldn't wait to tell Mike (my mom's fiance and my soon to be stepdad) all about the song I've come to like. As I approached my house, I saw unfamiliar faces. There were about seven people there, I was confused as to why my dad had been in my front yard, standing next to the white plastic, dirt covered chairs. Thinking my mom and dad were in another argument, I ran past my dad, searching for the face of Mike.

           "Mom, why are you crying, where's Mike?" I muttered feeling worried and confused.

             With a fragile look in her eyes, looking into mine my mom said, "Nothing is wrong honey!" Trying to sound as calm as she could.

             My grandma looked at us in concern. "Rachel, tell her what's wrong, you cant lie to her," said my grandma with a crack in her voice.

            "Mike is gone!" my mom said trying to catch her breath while crying harder.

            "Where is he mom? Is this a joke?"

             I ran outside to see if his jeep was there, trying to remember if I had seen it coming in. Chocking with upset, my eyes watered quickly. I screamed running inside and dodging my dad's welcoming arms.

            My heart felt as if it was going to jump from my chest and hop through my throat until I chocked my own death. This was the type of pain that no matter what you did, it would never go away. I just wanted to close my mind and pretend it was all just a nightmare.

            Crying heavily, I tried to get my words out. "M-Mom wha-what ha-happened? Why I-is M-M-Mike gone!?!?"I screamed; chocking on spit, tears, and the air trying to escape into my lungs.

             "He was killed last night, he never came home." my mom hesitated to say with guilt in her eyes.

              My grandma sounding a little angered, called out to my mom dragging out her name like she usually does. "Rachel, stop lying to her. You need to tell her the truth, even if she doesn't understand."

             "Mike committed suicide!" my mom said at once.

             "Is he gone forever mom, will we ever see him again?"

              My mom looked at me, she never looked at me with such misery in a single facial expression. "Mike is in the sky now and he is not coming down. You will see him again one day; just not anytime soon.

             I was angry, sad, and craving for someone to blame. I was too young to understand why this had happened. I couldn't come to a conclusión as to why Mike would want to leave us. He was supposed to marry my mom. I thought he was happy. Then I suddenly realized he wasn't going to be there anymore... to make my mom smile. To make me smile, he wasn't going to be there to hold my hand to cross the street. Mike was gone forever... It was about eight years ago since I lost my best friend, but it feels like it was just yesturday.

              Days now felt longer. When I woke up in the mornings, I would stare at my reflection in the mirror. My thoughts were filled with anger and hurt... I never felt more betrayed. The thought of him being gone peirced my ability to focus or think about anything else. I mourned over his death everyday like he had been killed over and over again each day.

            One night I stayed up crying, missing Mike so badly. I wished so deeply to see him once more. With tears flooding my eyes and snot clogging my nose I looked up and demanded for an explanation. I closed my eyes and thoughts, and when I opened my eyes I saw him!

           I screamed, "Why did you leave me, leave us!? Didn't you love us enough to think to stay?!?" There was no response and then he was gone. "No!! I wasn't done!"

           Rushing down the hall I heard my mom's heavy footsteps leading to my room. "What's wrong nayah, why were you screaming??"

          I didn't think she'd believe me if I told her so I simply said, "I was just having a bad dream." I never told anyone about that night, it was a secret to keep only between me, myself, and I.

          After that night I was never the same. I will never be the same. Not many people understand how suicide effects other's lives too. Committing suicide is a selfish act, only to escape from pain and loneliness, but in reality they were never lonely... They just never thought to let someone in.