Gently Toxic

The Confetti

During my younger years I experienced many things a kid probably shouldn't have. My life was anything but "normal" or "regular". My emotions weren't functioning properly, they really never have, they've always been somewhat off. I've never had time to go to a doctor to get actual help. Maybe I just don't  want the help, or maybe I'm just too dull. Apart from not having the time, I'm the type to have a family that doesn't necessarily accept the possibilities of their offspring being anything but normal.

I've struggled with a lot of complications with self-identity. I attempted to come to a conclusion with my parents of possibly just being attracted to both sexes, anyone I felt a connection with mainly, but that never really worked out. Immediate rejection. That rejection affected many things later on in my timeline, it caused confusion and anger and just any other painful emotion. Now, I'm not necessarily writing this just to whine and bitch about "hating" the life I have, no, I'm just here to make statements I've never been able to voice, just like other people I observe throughout each day, like the man that threw his belongings in the cart I had at Walmart while waiting for my family to finish their stranger way of calculating prices regarding money and the amounts that would be owed. I wonder if the man ever thinks about the moment, if he smiles to himself, or maybe even feels bad about it for lacking patience. I wonder. Well, life is life after all.

With that said, here is my first beloved memory;

My memory begins with a stadium. Now, many people say it's not necessarily possible to have a memory as an infant but I feel that I do. Although it is a blurry memory as if the lens on a camera were completely out of focus while recording a video the only clear thing in it is the shiny confetti. The reason I feel that it's a stadium is because of the sounds I remember like the roaring of the energetic crowds, the celebratory feeling I remember, and the rush of excitement in the air. It was a feeling I'd love to feel again, feeling everyone's energy, them ignoring the problems they have at home or their self-known problem with alcohol, ignoring everyone's negative aspects and just uniting for the sake of the game. That's one memory I've held close to me since the moment it rushed through my head, ready to be forgotten.

The reason I confirmed that it's a memory is because I asked my father if he had ever taken me to an event at a stadium as an infant and he had told me he did. He told me it was a soccer game at a stadium. I had a rush of excitement and happiness having the possibility that the memory was true. I was in love with it after all, it was one of the purest ones I've ever had, and thank God (or the higher being whose existence I constantly wonder about) for it.

~This is just the first diary entry for now, I will hopefully update it soon. Thank you for the time (: