Stalking is an art. But it is like a fragile joystick. You move it up and down, and then it can make or break your impression of a stranger. In a few seconds of rummage through someone’s account, you can doubt his gender, or tell if this one’s a KPOP fan or a typical non-music person.
Well, I found out that she’s a tattoo lover that night. And she likes someone just because that someone has one or maybe two. My joystick? Bit broken. I don’t even know why I’m here. It’s not like she’s a total stranger. I knew her back then. She was, and is beautiful- even at a stranger’s point of view.
__________
__________
__________
After a few minutes of exchanging tweets, I got a notif from another friend. I went back to my old flooding habit. But by that time, FB is my active lifestyle. I am a liker, or a stalker, or…maybe an admirer of a person or two..well, make that a lot.
On that day, however, Shan made it more than a lot.
I like her. Without really knowing her. With our littlest past I keep to myself. Is that even possible?
They say that some people are for reality. That is, their company in person is better than the virtual. That it is actually better to talk than to text them.
***********
It has been a few months of insisting and persuading, but Shan is a busy person. All my peskiness and efforts are failing- not even a real convo over a cup of tea, or a shot at a boring movie. Nah-dah.
But today, I think it’ll finally work out.
The Hobbit 2. Not bad.
Nooooooo. It’s lame. My mind tells me while I am prepping. The Hobbit? Seriously? You won’t even last thru the trailers!
I had my last button buttoned and the last strand of my hair…er, still in a mess. In my mind, the outfit’s not the problem. It’s how to shut-up in the first day of our meet-up. This is my first meet-up I suppose. So it’s actually a twisted suicidal act. Get it done, well and good. Mess it up, and you are done.
Well, it’s not too late to back out. What? No! fine. Fine! Just be yourself, be yourself. That was my mantra.
********
The summer gradient was painted across the sky with the yellow and orange battling who’s gonna take the higher ratio. Well I have my own battle to win. And it’s how to be “me” and how to shut-up during the movie. But wait, ain’t that a contrary statement.
Just be yourself, Joyce. A little voice echoed. You’ll be fine.
**Insert a series of speechlessness and an abrupt chuckle here**
So there were we, choosing a decent seat as eye level as it can get. Everything is a blur. I try my best to remember but all I get from history is that I am intoxicated by the atmosphere. And by her awkward laugh. I am too humiliated to admit that I paid a little attention to the whole plot cause both of us are busy finding a chance to crack jokes in between. Once in a while an orc pops out of nowhere and I’d say, “Boy, you sure do look like him. Look, you’re as pale as him.” Then she’d see another specie of monster, uglier this time, and likens it to me. My funny bone is literally breaking but I’m sure glad that I am able to tell her how she smelled so divine. That it’s difficult to breathe in the air. She intoxicates me. On that day I declared that I wear my heart by my nostrils.
What happened on the rest of the day was mine to keep. No, don’t expect sparks fly and slow-mo moments. It was more like wow-she’s-as-good-in-person and next-time-wear-a-mask realization. Before I ended that day, I wrote something down on my diary (actual entry):
“I am a bit confused. I don’t like her actually, but I am attracted by something in her.
And…and, I want to take care of her- as a friend or whatever…I just don’t know yet.”
****
Right now, I am skimming through my diary and it amazes me how we progressed so fast.
Dec 15
So there I was. And here I am. Ah. I am so confused. I feel like, I am suddenly attached to Shan. Escalated feelings. Sigh* What to do?
Dec 16
..and, Orc and I got closer. *sigh* I missed her J and I am happy cause it’s ok for her if I’ll follow my heart J
Dec 17
Hun (A change of endearment I guess :x) is all dominant and stuffs. She is…ah! #dismayed #IntoDeepWithSomeone
Dec 18
Met master and she’s like…”Why you so lazy?” well, cause the mall was too crowded for me! :P I ended up buying colored gelpens and we hurried to my fave teashop. She let me scan her phone. And gives me her private number. I am luckyyyyyy. Then we also talked about admirer stuffs. Well, isn’t it a coincidence that on the same day, an ex-admirer saw both of us. Together! *laughs* Diary, she is awesome. We both know what we are and we respect that. At the end of the day, my butterflies are flapping furiously because of what she wrote on my notes. Hachi. That’s what she calls me now. <3
Dec 19
..so we talked and talked and talked to the point that we cleared out that we’d take this slowly and there should be no heartaches.
Dec 20
Instead of buying a gift for my secret pal, Shan and I were out in the streets. We had an amazing conversation although most of the time we were stranded. It was my first cheek kiss from her. She held my hand so tight like we are BFFs then she gave me an awkward hug. OH, I am in cloud 9. Is that even legit :v I’m so happy I should really stop here. No more space left! *laughs*
Dec 21
I hate her Ex. Well…boyfriend? I dunno. But that’s it. Why would he even do that? Shan is a nice person. The world has gone mad!
Dec 22
I am bit disappointed with Master (another name I’d call her) I don’t want to be compared. So yeah..it’s like, I’m gonna back off a bit.
Dec 24
Quite sad cause Hun doesn’t have the time for me. Oh whale. I just have to understand that. Slept at 3am then deactivated my twitter and facebook
Dec 25
It’s epic cause I chose Christmas day to be sad. Why? Cause I missed her. And I want her to give me the time. Quite demanding I am. *laughs* Jan and Em (some strangers I knew. Ironic isn’t it) bashed on my wall until Shan’s got pissed off. *laughs* Epic cause she’s the one who’s pissed about that. I unfriended Jan for good, but I’m just laughing it off. Hmm. I don’t get it. Both of us are unprepared but who knows. Maybe friendship will be the relationship we will end up good with J I’m also open to that.
******
Well, so that’s the end of my entries. After 25, my whole family decided to go on a post-Christmas and New Year trip to Cebu. My diary ends on the last day of December so that means I’ll be getting another one for the next year, but what happened next was even torturing than my previous entries.
I know we were dying, as fast as how we grew.
And all I could do is cry while watching us die.
*********
