Dark & Twisty

The Shit Reality of Being Alive

Depression and social anxiety on Christmas. That is fun. I don't know what to do. I just do not want to be here. I feel like a waste of space. & I'm beginning to feel numb. Recently My life has seemed so pathetic that I start hysterically laughing.
My brother... I couldn't be more angry at him but he makes me laugh. & I feel numb. I can't explain it.
I think about all the shit in my life and I want to give up. I just want to be in my room, eating a snack, watching greys anatomy or reading a good book. It is my escape from reality.
I've never felt able to depend on anyone except for myself. I'm all I have. I love being alone. I feel happy when I'm alone. It's when I'm with people (family) that I feel so weird and out of place. I like being alone; but I have nothing going on in my life to fill in the space that is, quote "living".
I want to give up. That's all I want to do.
Im in the bathroom at a church. I slipped away because my family was being introduced to people and I wasn't okay. I get swarmed by social anxiety. In the bathroom the lights just shut off. I'm the only person in here. But it is kind of peaceful if I'm being honest with himself. I will escape from my life any chance I get. I never want to face the realities of my life. Usually I can do it by singing or reading a book, binge watching Netflix also helps soothe the emotionally draining expectations that come from living. This day/ my life is so in the toilet (pun intended) it is funny. I just want to fly away sometimes. What is life. I used to think everything happened for a reason. Or throwback to my religious days where I thought I had a plan and purpose in my life.
But nope, I'm free to do whatever I want to in my life and fuck up as many times as I can:)
I don't want to die, that would cause so much drama, chaos and unwanted attention within my life & the people who know me. (Family, friends, any of the sort) dying isn't a simple thing. So that's why if you do it, you have to be sure. But I don't want to be here.., just filling in space either.
I'm weird and different. I don't belong or fit in anywhere. Even the people I feel closest to in my life (Kristi, cousins, Natalie) I know they don't need me and I don't think I have a big impact on heir lives. I'm just here. I'm average at everything. Floating through life, waiting to see what else I can mess up.
I've been In the bathroom for probably 20 minuets now. I just slipped away after church while everyone is talking. If they notice, they don't care. It's easier for everyone when I'm not there. I don't know what I'm doing.
It's hit me recently that I have not only am depressed, but have social anxiety and thoughts of suicide. Great

Had a much better day today. Ruthenbergs came up to Ventura and we all hung out and ate Christmas dinner. I had energy and felt okay and more normal. A good day. It goes in highs and lows is what I hear people say. A battle with your own brain. It's a tough fight on the daily with yourself.
I even put on a full face of make up with new make up I got for Christmas and I felt like I knew how to be outgoing again.
Also the environment was completely different because the ruthenbergs were here. It was so calm and quiet yesterday with just the jones & McCulloughs. But it was boring & it felt like conversations were hard to make up and were not flowing like how they should be. Also I feel like the dads don't have anything in common. The only guys there except Jake so they're supposed to hangout and drink beer, but they run out of topics and conversations to say. Then what is it..? Awkward silence. Something that I fear the most.
And I wasn't okay yesterday.
Today was better with the upbeat and livelyness of the ruthenbergs. They bring energy to family parties. (Sometimes overwhelming). I Love every single one of them.
So to summarize: I feel good and kinda felt like I had some sort of purpose today. And I don't feel as much like wasted space.

I think it's the worst when I see my life and how it's going as I'm fucking it all up. But I can't stop it, I'm almost don't even want to bother to try. It's scary when you stop caring. Stop caring about your life, goals, morals, friends. Those are some of the things that are supposed to make us want to continue in life. When you stop feeling  connected to those things, you can forget why it is you keep going.

When I'm so low for what feels like forever.., when I get out of that funk, I remember who I am. I remember myself and the reasons why I continue living for myself. Life has so much potential. I do not know who the fuck I can be or what I can become. But I can't let myself drown when I need to stay on track to create a successful life and mindset.